Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

[Turk]

Top Ten Signs Your Favorite Baseball Player Is On Steroids

10. Rather than swinging several bats to warm up, he swings a VW bus

9. Appears in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade -- as a float

8. In a fit of rage, he actually eats a ballpark hot dog

7. He has 3 Adam's apples in his throat

6. He starts looking like Janet Reno

5. Eats baseballs like they were apples

4. Favorite hobbies are hunting, fishing and injecting teammates in the ass

3. Demonstrates irrational behavior -- signs with Mets

2. He knows what Mark McGwire's ass looks like

1. Shirt: XXL, Hat: XXXL, Cup: Small

[Turk]

Top Ten Messages Left On Paris Hilton's Cell Phone


10. "You probably don't remember me, but we had sex about 3 weeks ago."

9. "Consider switching to Verizon, we rarely let hackers steal our personal information."

8. "So this is the second most embarassing thing that's ever happened to you?"

7. "Uh yes, I'd like to book a room for next Wednesday night at the Detroit Hilton."

6. "It's Bill Clinton. I've been meaning to call you for some time."

5. "Hey it's Pauly Shore--thanks for getting my name in the newspaper."

4. "Sorry I missed you, you must be at work...just kidding."

3. "Hi, it's Christo. Wanna get freaky in Central Park?"

2. "You have a collect call from Dave Letterman, will you accept?"

1. "Is there anything of yours NOT on the internet?"

[girlgoddess]

"is there anything of yours not on the internet?"

why do i feel like she maybe accidentally on purpose releases these things to the public for the attention...
i mean, no one really knew who she was before that video "scandale!"

(really this is me putting off the last page of my paper... i've got 1 hour left... i also have not studied for my midterm. i rule.)

.r.

[Turk]

Top Ten Good Things About Winning An Academy Award


10. "I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year."

9. "I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame."

8. "Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna polish my oscar?'"

7. "Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets."

6. "No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull."

5. "If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way."

4. "On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes."

3. "A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off and there's Bourbon inside."

2. "Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?"

1. "There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you."

[Arlene]

Okay. I've decided that like the Deep Thoughts of Jack Handy thread, this should be a daily post by Turk.

Keep 'em coming!

[penguin]

This was an entertaining thread back on pgnet, but then it mysteriously disappeared...

[Turk]

This was an entertaining thread back on pgnet, but then it mysteriously disappeared...

Yeah, I posted about 3 lists there and all of a sudden...it was gone.
I raised a stink about it and finally got a reply from "the post police" stating that the Letterman thread was too sexual and political in nature....that there were younger people who visited the board who shouldn't view such things.....
Which I found to be a rather odd statement considering that Letterman is on CBS, a network, and available to viewers of all ages.

[Turk]

Top Ten Secrets To Winning The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show


10. When the judge examines your dog, "Accidentally" leave a folded twenty tucked into the collar.

9. For a healthy, lustrous coat, add a raw egg to your toilet water.

8. Hard work, patience and a ridiculous amount of de-worming cream.

7. Feed large dogs well so they're not tempted to snack on Chihuahuas.

6. Snausages and Red Bull.

5. In case of emergency, always keep a spare dog in your pants.

4. Give your dog a flea bath, and while you're at it, give yourself one.

3. (points to dog) This is actually two guys in a dog suit.

2. Tell the dog if she wins, she gets to be on Leno.

1. Ask Jose Canseco for some of that "high powered" kibble.

[jenfrazzle]

the Letterman thread was too sexual and political in nature....that there were younger people who visited the board who shouldn't view such things.....

WTF?!?!?!

[Turk]

From tonight's show:

Top Ten Ways They're Making The Academy Awards More Fun To Watch

10. Free botox injections to the first 100 actresses

9. Instead of seat-fillers, giant pinadas

8. Winners who talk past 40 seconds are tasered

7. Oprah comes onstage and gives everyone cars

6. Dan Rather comes out and reads who won, only to be told later he was lying

5. Watch it in reverse and learn what plans Satan has for Hollywood

4. The nominees meet in a boardroom where, after some debate, Donald Trump chooses the winners

3. Clint Eastwood injects steroids into Morgan Freeman's ass

2. New category: Best Actor in a Paris Hilton Sex Tape

1. Change the name of the show to "CSI: Oscars"

[Turk]

Top Ten Other Changes At CNN


10. Wolf Blitzer changing name to Blitz Wolfer.

9. When covering a hard story, reporters ask, "What would Jack Daniels do?"

8. Every Sunday it's "WKRP in Cincinnati" marathons!

7. Reporters must make quotation marks with fingers when calling Bush "President".

6. They're putting Lou Dobbs on steriods.

5. Every night, one lucky viewer receives an on-air physical from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

4. Last 10 minutes of newscasts anchors sing hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today.

3. Let's just say Paula Zahn is now Paul Zahn.

2. Changing name to CNNN.

1. Interactive feature allows viewers to administer painful electric shock to Larry King.

[Turk]

Top Ten Reasons I Love Racing


10. "It's way more exciting than my previous job, running an unlicensed daycare."

9. "When I win, 12 guys who smell like rubber and methanol run over and hug me."

8. "Winning takes guts, determination and my lucky underpants."

7. "All the motor oil I can drink."

6. "Anything over 200 miles an hour I start making noises like a kitty! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."

5. "Just so my neighbors know who they're dealing with, when I mow the lawn I wear my helmet."

4. "Switch the "R" and the "C" in 'Racing' and you get 'Caring'."

3. "All the excitement of driving like a New York City cab driver without the risk of getting shot."

2. "Between the g-forces and the fumes, I get a good buzz."

1. "In racing, Jose Canseco doesn't stick your ass with a needle."

[Turk]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy In A Hotel


10. "The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you, add three."

9. "I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet paper."

8. "Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes."

7. "If you want a bellhop, press '1' on your phone; If you want a hooker, press '2.'"

6. "Ring this bell again, I'll burn your luggage."

5. "Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?"

4. "You know, every room has a hair dryer -- How's that for ritzy?"

3. "Are you the bastard that took my gin out of the minibar?"

2. "Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping?"

1. "Do you mind sharing your room with a monkey?"

[Turk]

Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You


10. Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.

9. The bracelet he gave you for Christmas beeps if you leave your cubicle.

8. Office coffee has hint of hazelnut and sodium pentothal.

7. Your name:"Sam." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Sam"

6. Find yourself getting tasered more than with previous bosses.

5. Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias"

4. Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.

3. When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.

2. Boss critical of typos in your personal e-mails.

1. The fax machine just coughed.

[solesearching]

Top Ten Signs You're Not The Most Popular Guy In Your High School


10. Your yearbook photo caption reads, "Unidentified Sophomore."

9. Your only friend is the one you built in shop class.

8. School song includes phrase about how much you suck.

7. Every time you talk to a girl, the conversation inevitably drifts to your frequent nosebleeds.

6. The stupid kid who gets his tater tots stolen every day? He steals your tater tots.

5. Everyone's jealous of your tetherball skills.

4. Not only did you take your mom to the prom, you had to pay her 20 bucks.

3. You can't dance like this.

2. "Lord of the Rings" figurines-50, friends-0.

1. How would I know? I'm like the coolest kid in school.