Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:53 pm

Top Ten Signs The Guy In The Cubicle Next To You Is Michael Jackson


10. Fax machine always clogged with subpoenas

9. There's a llama tethered to the water cooler

8. Only cubicle that has a ferris wheel

7. Carpet is covered with sequins and monkey hair

6. Asks if office has a third option besides "Men's Room" and "Ladies' Room"

5. Borrows your Wite-Out to touch up his face

4. Recycling bin is filled with surgical masks

3. They canceled "Bring Your Child to Work Day"

2. He answers his phone with a high-pitched "hee hee"

1. Everyone around the office is asking who the new white chick is
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Postby Turk » Tue Jan 24, 2006 2:10 am

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Vampire


10. Once a week a Domino's guy enters, and doesn't leave

9. Claims his back never felt better since switching to Sealy Posturepedic coffin

8. Always seems sad when you wear a turtleneck

7. You see him getting stake in the crotch on Transylvania's Funniest Home Videos

6. He's lived in that house since 1783

5. Opens can of Hawaiian Punch with his teeth

4. When you bring up the 200 bucks he owes you, he turns into a bat and flies away

3. Comes home from Sam's Club with a picnic-sized container of human blood

2. Well, there's the "Vampires Do It Upside Down" bumper sticker

1. He's pale and creepy, but he ain't Michael Jackson
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Postby Turk » Thu Jan 26, 2006 2:01 am

Top Ten Signs You Should Get A Divorce


10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."

9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.

8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Bitch" section is.

7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.

6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.

5. She brings a date to couples counselling.

4. You just married Liza Minnelli.

3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.

2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.

1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."
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Postby Turk » Fri Jan 27, 2006 2:26 am

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Osama Bin Laden


10. Plans to release next threatening videotape in high-definition

9. In the seventies, had a gay fling with the blind sheikh

8. Secretly likes Kosher pickles

7. Middle name: Duane

6. Stole "Death to America" catchphrase from Fran Tarkenton

5. Got cave hooked up with Sirius so he can listen to Howard Stern

4. Knows all the words to the Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps"

3. After Colts loss to Steelers, declared jihad on Mike Vanderjagt

2. Has a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry"

1. The son-of-a-bitch is still alive
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Postby Turk » Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:49 am

Top Ten Signs Your Accountant Is Nuts


10. "Arranged it so you get your refund in cashews"

9. "Before doing paperwork fixes a cocktail of gin and white-out"

8. "Brags that 17% of clients have never been convicted of tax evasion"

7. "Named the adding machine 'Linda'"

6. "Claims to be the bastard child of H & R Block"

5. "Uses a number 3 pencil"

4. "He claims the credit allowable under subsection (A) for any taxable year shall exceed the excess of the regular tax liability of the taxpayer for such taxable year reduced by the sum of the credits allowable under subparts A, B, D, E and F of this part, over the tentative minimum tax for the taxable year...I mean, come on!"

3. "Last week, inexplicably fled to Syria"

2. "Been known to dangle dependents from balconies"

1. "Has a tattoo of IRS Commissioner Charles O. Rossotti on his ass"
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Postby Turk » Tue Jan 31, 2006 2:51 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Elise At Starbucks


10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I'm using some of my old underwear."

9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It's a legal alternative to crack."

8. "Let me make sure that's not too hot."

7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."

6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."

5. "Strychnine with that?"

4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"

3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee, I'll break your legs!"

2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."

1. "After work, I'm gonna pick up a hooker-latte."
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Postby Turk » Wed Feb 01, 2006 7:56 am

Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Drunk


10. Starts each day by taking a leak on your desk

9. Parks his car in your office

8. Last week, he promoted a fax machine

7. At brainstorming meetings he always shouts, "I got it -- let's hire a monkey!"

6. All memos are scrawled on the back of damp cocktail napkins

5. Asks the receptionist to patch him through to Jack Daniels

4. Reeks of cocktail onions and pepper spray

3. Spends the afternoon distributing photocopies of his ass

2. Makes a sloppy pass at your wife, then at you

1. Never ending verses of "Danny Boy"
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Postby Turk » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:04 am

Top Ten Slogans For The New Sex Soda


10. "Have a glass for your fine ass"

9. "Soft drink? I don't think so..."

8. "Goes down nice and easy...just like you"

7. "Get fizzy, get bizzy"

6. "Makes more than your tastebuds tingle"

5. "Available in 'Classic' or 'Brokeback'"

4. "Why not put a kitty in your pants?"

3. "Have a coke and a smile, a smoke and a long satisfying nap"

2. "It's like a carbonated lapdance"

1. "Get it in the can"
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Postby Turk » Mon Feb 13, 2006 5:35 pm

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Lame Olympics Opening Ceremony


10. Vandals have stolen three of the five Olympic rings

9. It's the winter Olympics, but the temperature is in the low 90's

8. Announcements made in English, French and Klingon

7. Torino looks a lot like Newark

6. Sponsorship deal requires athletes to dress as delicious Hot Pockets

5. Every country's anthem is "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

4. Pyrotechnic display consists of Don Rickles dropping his pants and firing a rocket

3. The male figure skaters are doing a very creepy tribute to "Brokeback Mountain"

2. You find yourself flipping to see what's on Letterman

1. Bode Miller is drinking O'Doul's
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Postby Turk » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:39 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day


10. "I gave you the wrong necklace, honey -- that one's for my mistress"

9. "Wait, Valentine's Day is in February this year?"

8. "Mom, dad, meet my new boyfriend, Ayman Al-Zawahiri"

7. "Hmm, I thought IHOP would be busier"

6. "Uh, you know that movie 'Brokeback Mountain'..."

5. "Sure a diamond is forever, but this copy of 'Dianetics' will change your eternity"

4. "You're not a cop, are you?"

3. "Table for one?"

2. "Sorry, Mr. Letterman, we're out of Viagra"

1. "Damn. I thought you were a quail"
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Postby Turk » Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:54 pm

Top 10 Dick Cheney Excuses


10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"

9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"

8. "Not enough Jim Beam"

7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"

6. "I love to shoot people"

5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"

4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me"

3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"

2. "Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly"

1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"
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Postby Turk » Fri Feb 17, 2006 2:47 am

Top Ten Surprises In The Dick Cheney Interview


10. Admitted he's the guy who popped a cap in Suge Knight

9. Sentenced himself to a week at Gitmo

8. He's engaged to Katie Holmes

7. Revealed list of the next ten old guys he plans to shoot

6. Pinned Brit Hume to the wall with a ninja throwing star

5. Chalked the whole thing up to 'roid rage

4. Spent most of the time talking about who's going to win "American Idol"

3. His clumsy attempt to pin the entire thing on Michael Brown

2. Claims it was all part of the plan to make Bush look smarter

1. Stunning admission: "The gun was loaded and so was I"
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Postby Turk » Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:02 am

Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk


10. Introduces himself as "Captain Morgan"

9. You open overhead luggage compartment and find him taking a nap

8. Giggles anytime someone says, "cockpit"

7. Your flight from New York to Chicago takes 16 hours on the interstate

6. He agrees to go hunting with Dick Cheney

5. Announces plane will be circling until he's sober enough to land

4. When you hit turbulance, he screams, "Damn! Spilled Kahlua on my pants!"

3. Asks passengers to look out window for the fuzz

2. Keeps turning on the intercom and yelling: "Wheeeee!"

1. He's flying the airplane with Britney Spears' baby on his lap
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Postby Turk » Fri Feb 24, 2006 2:11 pm

Top Ten Things I, Peter Griffin, Would Like To Say To America


10. "If George Bush had Dick Cheney's first name, his name would be Dick Bush and I'll tell you I'd listen to a lot more of his speeches"

9. "Did the Patriot Act take care of Mujibur and Sirajul?"

8. "Shouldn't Crystal Bernard be in 'Playboy' by now... I mean we did our part and sat through seven seasons of 'Wings'"

7. "Laura Bush killed a guy"

6. "This is the best moment in television since Mr. Belvedere sat on his own nuts and fainted"

5. "Did you know Jim Belushi had a brother who was in TV, too?"

4. "Hey Ben Affleck and Matt Damon we're all still waiting on that second Oscar-winning script"

3. "I have always wanted to do this...ladies and gentlemen, the Max Weinberg Seven"

2. "If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don't care for you as a person"

1. "We should all buy more American-made products which at last check are down to porn and cheeseburgers"
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Postby Turk » Thu Mar 02, 2006 5:18 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy In A Hotel


10. "The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you, add three."

9. "I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet paper."

8. "Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes."

7. "If you want a bellhop, press '1' on your phone; If you want a hooker, press '2.'"

6. "Ring this bell again, I'll burn your luggage."

5. "Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?"

4. "You know, every room has a hair dryer -- How's that for ritzy?"

3. "Are you the bastard that took my gin out of the minibar?"

2. "Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping?"

1. "Do you mind sharing your room with a monkey?"
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