Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Fri Mar 03, 2006 3:25 am

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Academy Award


10. You're up against King Kong for Best Giant Monkey

9. Instead of asking who you're wearing, Joan Rivers asks why you showed up

8. Your film is used to torture Gitmo detainees

7. Best acting you did this year was telling your wife you didn't sleep with Angelina Jolie

6. You're "Guy #5" in the Paris Hilton sex tape

5. Gretzky's wife bet a grand against you

4. Your acting has been compared to Steven Segal

3. Played the coveted role of "man who gets kicked in the nuts"

2. George W. Bush has information you're going to win

1. You spent months learning to become a gay cowboy, but you're not an actor
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Postby Turk » Wed Mar 15, 2006 2:50 am

Top Ten Signs The Government Is Running Out Of Money


10. State dinners are at IHOP

9. Country renamed United States of Ditech.com

8. Had to fire Laura's sexy Dominican gardner

7. Witness protection program now issues informants a fake mustache

6. For ten bucks you can punch Rumsfeld in the stomach

5. Bush's awkward call to Mrs. Milosevich asking if he's in Slobodan's will

4. The original Constitution is on eBay

3. N.S.A. can only afford to tap phones during off-peak hours

2. Price of a stamp is now two grand

1. Cheney was spotted strolling into a bank carrying his 12-gauge
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Postby Turk » Thu Mar 16, 2006 3:17 am

Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Is Drunk


10. Sterilizes his instruments with Cuervo

9. Before him is a tray of gauze, swabs, and green olives

8. Giggles every time he asks for suction

7. Climbs in the MRI machine with you

6. As you go under, you hear the words "amputate" and "head"

5. Left a pack of Camels in your chest cavity

4. While listening to the heart monitor says, "Shhh. I love this song"

3. Checks your reflexes by hurling a beer nut at your face

2. Brags that he was Slobodan Milosevic's guy

1. After checking you for a hernia, says, "Now you do me"
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10 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

Postby Ian » Tue Mar 21, 2006 6:07 pm

1 ) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2 ) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3 ) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4 ) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5 ) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6 ) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7 ) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9 ) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

apologies for hijacking your thread Turk but this is so cute :)
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Turk » Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:09 pm

'Tis cute, Ian.
Thanks for posting. :D
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Postby Turk » Sun Mar 26, 2006 2:58 am

Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Spring Break


10. Your hotel room offers a breathtaking view of the Persian Gulf

9. The package is 5 days, 2 nights

8. Closest thing you get to a sunburn is a rash from the hotel linens

7. Instead of a wet t-shirt contest, there's a less satisfying "wet hat" contest

6. Limbo stick looks an awful lot like a human femur

5. Difference between the presidential suite and a regular room? Free Q-Tips

4. Ask where to take a swim, the concierge suggests mall fountain

3. The bed in your room is not a water bed but it's awfully damp

2. Conga line ends at Scientology Center

1. Most action you got was when mom kissed you goodbye
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Postby Turk » Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:09 am

Top Ten Signs Your Kitty Is Nuts


10. You saw him on "Dr. Phil"

9. Wasted three of nine lives on George Foreman Grill mishaps

8. When you stroke his belly, he purrs, "moooo!"

7. The dog is missing and you found a ransom note spelled out in yarn

6. Was caught sharing bag of catnip with Whitney Houston's cat

5. That toy he's playing with is grandpa's ear!

4. Calls sports talk radio claiming Knicks are about to turn it around

3. Firemen are trying to coax you out of a tree

2. Believes Barry Bonds never used steroids

1. He neutered himself
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Postby ladyday » Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:59 am

i loveee this thread lol
i got strength, courage and wisdom its been inside of me all along
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Postby Turk » Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:29 am

ladyday wrote:i loveee this thread lol


And it loves you, Day. :D :D :D
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Postby Turk » Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:32 am

Top Ten Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun


10. "Feels great to get away after three straight weeks of work"

9. "As president of the United States, I pledge to do whatever's necessary to help the Cancunians!"

8. "Couldn't we have stayed home and gone to Chi-Chi's?"

7. "Cozumel? Isn't that the chick I made Secretary of State?"

6. "When do I get to meet Zorro?"

5. "Holy crap, how'd they move these pyramids from Egypt?"

4. "I'll have a non-alcoholic pina colada...just kidding, juice me up, Pepe!"

3. "NAFTA? Don't they make auto parts?"

2. "Secret service! He's choking on a nacho"

1. "Once you get a little buzz going, my poll numbers don't look so bad"
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Postby Turk » Fri Apr 14, 2006 11:03 am

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny


10. Costume is made from rabbits he hit on the interstate

9. Not really a hop -- more of a drug impaired stumble

8. Before kids get candy they have to sit through a presentation about timeshare condos

7. Keeps saying, "Jesus? No doesn't ring a bell..."

6. He's been wearing the suit since November

5. Easter basket is filled with menthol cigarettes

4. Hides five eggs and the body of a drifter

3. He's wearing a yarmulke

2. Tells you for an extra thousand bucks he won't rat you out to the New York Post

1. He disappears for hours with Whitney Houston
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Postby Turk » Wed Apr 19, 2006 6:11 am

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Pulitzer Prize


10. Your op-ed pieces are all the same: Cookies Are Tasty

9. Only thing you wrote all year was a letter to CBS asking not to cancel "Yes, Dear"

8. Your scathing report on plagiarism was copied from someone else

7. Last book signing was held at Jiffy Lube

6. Your novel is sold exclusively at windowless bookstores along the interstate

5. You're the critic quoted in the ads for "Basic Instinct 2"

4. You think fact-checking is for sissies

3. Instead of covering the United States-Iraq War, opted to cover the war between 7-11 and Cumberland Farms

2. You're up against a New York Post reporter with a wallet full of bribin' money

1. Sports section has Knicks in first place
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Postby Turk » Sat Jun 03, 2006 2:07 am

Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You


10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping

9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes

8. Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out

6. You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video"

5. Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record"

4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico"

2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house

1. Suddenly discover there's an antenna bolted to your ass
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Postby Turk » Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:31 am

Top Ten Signs You Have World Cup Fever


10. You change your name from Kenny to Pele

9. On tax return you list occupation: "Hooligan"

8. After you successfully toast an English muffin, you rip off your shirt and run around the house

7. Whenever the mailman shows up you scream, 'MAAAAAAAAIIIILLLLLLLLL!"

6. Have a tattoo of Czech striker Pavel Nedved on your ass

5. You replace your hairpiece with chunk of sod from Wembley Stadium

4. Aches, a rash and vomiting - - I'm sorry, those are signs you have Bird Flu

3. In accordance with league standards, you've inflated your pants to 8.5 pounds per square inch

2. Every four years, you walk around in a Brandi Chastain sports bra

1. You're not (well...maybe as in Tim and others' case you are an) American
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Postby marybeth » Sat Jun 17, 2006 9:40 am

I see the comedy writers clearly don't have World Cup fever. They could have come up with something better!
http://www.marybethdamico.com

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Some people don't care if they live or they die
Some people want to know what it feels like to fly


Americana: "a nebulous category of misfits and acquired tastes, many of whom seem to have worn cowboy hats at one time or another" LA Times article
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