Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Sat Jun 17, 2006 12:56 pm

Top Ten Signs That Your Relationship Is Heading For A Break-Up


10. Wakes up, rolls over and says, "Damn, you're still here?"

9. She's just hired a pool boy...you don't have a pool

8. You call her "Honey," she calls you "Numb Nuts"

7. You overhear your wife on the phone saying,, "How much to kill my husband?"

6. You come home to find her handling the UPS guy's package

5. You've started sleeping in separate beds, in separate houses, in separate time zones

4. You're so unhappy together that the only thing that cheers you up is seeing the hilarious new movie "The Break-Up," now playing at a theater near you

3. You look back at the drunken, bottle-throwing fights as "the good times"

2. At your backyard barbecue she refers to your best friend as "Lover"......I mean "Larry"

1. Keeps asking, "Why can't you be more like Vince Vaughn?"
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Postby Turk » Wed Aug 23, 2006 11:14 pm

Top Ten Mel Gibson Excuses


10. "Did I say 'Jews'? I meant Scientologists"

9. "Food poisoning from a bad knish"

8. "Uhh, hello? I'm famous"

7. "Shouldn't have been drinking with Hasselhoff"

6. "Any press is good press"

5. "I refer all questions to my Jew attorney"

4. "Tired of Britney Spears getting all the 'crazy celebrity' attention"

3. "Oh like you've never gotten drunk and accidentally said, 'Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world'?"

2. "Researching upcoming role as insane washed-up movie star"

1. "Hoping to be named People Magazine's 'Sexiest Anti-Semite Alive'"
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Postby Turk » Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:43 pm

Top Ten Signs You Had a Bad Summer


10. You divide the summer into two parts: pre and post weed-whacker incident

9. Awesome summer job at Nike turned out to be lacing shoes from 5AM to 11PM

8. You said, "Bora Bora" but travel agent heard, "Tora Bora"

7. Barry Manilow kicked your ass at the Emmys

6. You started dating Paris Hilton after she gave up sex

5. Had to listen to David Hasselhoff deciding whether or not you had talent

4. You went in for a spray tan and walked out looking like Kenny Rogers

3. Always remember it as "the summer I got busted on 'Dateline'"

2. Only action you got at the beach was a jellyfish stinging your nuts

1. Your name is Mel Gibson

Extra: You had to listen to Jessica Simpson sing "Let Him Fly"
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Postby Turk » Sat Sep 23, 2006 6:05 am

Top Ten Signs Your Husband Is Gay


10. You come home to find him handling the gardener's hose

9. On your wedding day, you wore the same dress

8. Favorite magazines: "Gourmet" and "Honcho"

7. Your name: Jodi -- name he calls out during sex: Lou

6. Constantly leaving that seat down, am I right girls?

5. Bumper sticker reads: "I'd rather be having sex with dudes"

4. During "Brokeback Mountain," He mumbles, "It didn't happen exactly like that"

3. At your sister's wedding reception, he caught the bouquet

2. Yells, "Honey, I'm home after a long day of gay sex!"

1. Says he got rear-ended but the car looks fine
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Postby Turk » Thu Sep 28, 2006 8:30 am

Top Ten Signs Your Television Show Is Going To Be Cancelled


10. It's entitled, "Everybody Loves Osama"

9. Instead of laughing, studio audience shouts, "Let's burn down the studio"

8. The frequent lulls while the lead character attempts to remember his lines

7. It stars the remains of Desi Arnaz

6. "Variety" calls it "A thrill ride similar to eating tainted spinach"

5. To keep costs down, show is taped by elevator security cameras

4. It nabbed the coveted 3 AM time slot

3. One of 15 NBC shows based on backstage at "Saturday Night Live"

2. The opening credits include the word "Hasselhoff"

1. Their big idea is something called "Ventriloquist Week"
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Postby Turk » Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:42 am

Top Ten Surprises In Oprah's Interview With Madonna


10. Madonna named the kid Stedman

9. Dr. Phil wrestled to the ground by security before he could get to the stage and say some of his crap

8. Oprah changed show's format -- now set backstage at "Saturday Night Live"

7. Touching moment where baby went joyriding with Britney's kid

6. Madonna insisted on being interviewed on a 12-foot cross

5. Unveiled her new line of cone-shaped nursing bras

4. A confused Maury Povich came in with paternity test results

3. Got so excited, Madonna paid an assistant to jump on Oprah's couch

2. Madonna's admission that she enjoys using pine tar in the bedroom

1. Out of habit, Bill Clinton called to say it wasn't his
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Postby disco_fred » Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:00 am

Turk wrote:Top Ten Surprises In Oprah's Interview With Madonna


10. Madonna named the kid Stedman

9. Dr. Phil wrestled to the ground by security before he could get to the stage and say some of his crap

8. Oprah changed show's format -- now set backstage at "Saturday Night Live"

7. Touching moment where baby went joyriding with Britney's kid

6. Madonna insisted on being interviewed on a 12-foot cross

5. Unveiled her new line of cone-shaped nursing bras

4. A confused Maury Povich came in with paternity test results

3. Got so excited, Madonna paid an assistant to jump on Oprah's couch

2. Madonna's admission that she enjoys using pine tar in the bedroom

1. Out of habit, Bill Clinton called to say it wasn't his


Don't be dissing my lady, Turkleton :twisted: :evil: :x :shock: :wink: :!: !!!
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think -- ah, who cares? And then I think -- hey, what's for supper?" -- Jack Handey.
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Postby Turk » Mon Oct 30, 2006 6:28 am

disco_fred wrote:Re: Top Ten Surprises In Oprah's Interview With Madonna

Don't be dissing my lady, Turkleton :twisted: :evil: :x :shock: :wink: :!: !!!

You know that I'm a Ma-dam-donna fan, Frederick, and if there's any dissing about her, it's Dave's doing. You've gotta admit that #6 is a pretty good one.

6. Madonna insisted on being interviewed on a 12-foot cross
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Postby Turk » Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:26 pm

Top Ten Messages On O.J. Simpson's Answering Machine


10. "This is Rupert Murdoch -- You're not going to kill me, are you?"

9. "I'm calling from ABC. Want to be on our new show 'Murdering With The Stars'?"

8. "Hey, it's Kato. Do you need to borrow some money?"

7. "It's the morgue. Our numbers are down. Are you on vacation?"

6. "Betty, your neighbor -- You know who stabbed our mailbox?"

5. "I'm calling from Domino's. Our delivery guy was there and hasn't come back"

4. "It's Gene Shalit -- Now I can't use my review calling your show 'A bloody good time'"

3. "This is the golf course confirming your killing spree time, I mean your killer tee time at 9"

2. "It's Tom Cruise. Katie and I want to thank you for the lovely kitchen knives"

1. "Robert Blake here -- We still on for dinner?"
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Postby Turk » Wed Dec 13, 2006 4:51 am

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating At Taco Bell


10. "Are my affairs in order?"

9. "Why is the counter kid wearing a hazmat suit?"

8. "Will the hot sauce kill the bacteria?"

7. "Is this how they poisoned that Russian spy?"

6. "Do I really want to succumb to a taco-related death?"

5. "Should I go somewhere safer for lunch like Fallujah?"

4. "Will this help me meet the recommended E.coli daily requirement?"

3. (No number 3 -- writer ate a bad chalupa)

2. "What would Kristie Alleyy do?"

1. "Wait -- when was Taco Bell not tainted with E.coli?"
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Postby Turk » Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:34 pm

Top Ten Least Popular Mall Stores


10. Big, Tall & Gay

9. Ahmedinejad & Fitch

8. Dentistry Shack

7. Burlington Goat Factory

6. Old Gravy

5. Frederick's of Trenton

4. Billy Dee Williams-Sonoma

3. Just Croutons

2. Larry King's Suspenders World

1. Taco Bell
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Postby Turk » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:51 pm

Top Ten Lines In the New "Rocky" Film

10. "You wouldn't hit a guy with a colostomy bag, would you?"

9. "I can take his punches, but that old man smell is overwhelming"

8. "Can we make this fight quick? It's 'Bingo Night' back at the nursing home"

7. "No hitting below the enlarged prostate"

6. "Have you tried my new 'Rocky Balboa Grill'?"

5. "Yo, Ambien!"

4. "Rocky just lost his mouthpiece -- oh wait, it's his dentures"

3. "You're never too old to pound on your meat, Paulie"

2. "He not out, he's napping"

1. "It's no more ridiculous than Letterman having a kid at his age"
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Postby Turk » Tue Jan 09, 2007 7:26 pm

Top Ten Signs The Government Is Reading Your Mail

10. Mail is now delivered in an unmarked white van

9. When opening mail, houseplant says, "Don't bother; there's nothing good"

8. Parts of birthday card from grandma are blacked out

7. Falafel Hut leaves menu in your mailbox and the next day you wake up in Gitmo

6. Ted Kennedy shows up asking for your copy of "Penthouse"

5. Karl Rove's leaked to the press that you ordered a hairpiece online

4. Last credit card purchase was denied because "The CIA thinks you're spending too much on shoes"

3. Girlfriend sends you sexy photos; they always end up in Condoleezza's office

2. Cheney calls to ask, "Your landlord who keeps hasseling you about the rent -- want me to shoot him?"

1. Victoria's Secret catalog appears to have been licked
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Postby Turk » Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:43 am

Top Ten Signs You're Already Having A Bad Year


10. You've spent the whole week coughing up confetti

9. Already broke resolution to make it through year with all ten fingers

8. People still haven't forgotten about your 2006 racial rants

7. New Year's kiss was swiftly followed by a restraining order

6. Your approval rate is below freezing

5. Bet life savings on the Knicks

4. Still writing "2006" on your parole request forms

3. People keep asking what size noose you take

2. Your wife had the first baby of the year, but you haven't had sex in two years

1. You're sitting at your desk, reading a lame Top Ten list
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Postby Turk » Wed Feb 07, 2007 2:30 pm

Top Ten Signs An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill You


10. Says, "This is a giant leap for mankind" as she tosses you off a bridge

9. You turn on CNN and see the Hubble Telescope focusing on your house

8. She promises to "Take you out like Pluto"

7. It sounds crazy, but you could swear Mars is following you

6. You were on the "Maury" episode: "I Had A Booty Call And Now An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill Me"

5. Her previous attempts to kill you have been postponed due to high winds

4. She poisons your Tang

3. Says she looks forward to being the first to walk on your lifeless corpse

2. Been getting threatening emails from Connie@International Space Station.com

1. She keeps stabbing you with a pen that writes upside down
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