Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Sun Mar 06, 2005 8:02 am

Sunday Special....The first Top 10 after Dave's move to CBS...aired 8/31/93:

Top Ten Things We Like About CBS

10. You got a problem? The CBS "Family" takes care of it

9. The strong, understanding hands of Mr. Charles Kuralt

8. Doesn't have foul-smelling disease-carrying bird mascot

7. When Angela Lansbury fixes your outboard motor, it stays fixed

6. Chance to see Harry Smith naked in CBS sauna

5. Have Canadian music director that looks just like our old one

4. Candice Bergen curses like a sailor at company retreat

3. Three out of every five male employees named "Morley"

2. Whole nation touched by the heartfelt attempt of Dan Rather and Connie Chung to have a baby

1. Executives are much more advanced form of weasel
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Postby Turk » Tue Mar 08, 2005 3:10 pm

Top Ten Possible Titles For The Donald Trump Movie

10. "The Incredible Hump"

9. "Titanic Ego."

8. "The Man Who Would Be Creepy."

7. "Sideways--Then Down The Forehead, Then Combed Back."

6. "Raging Bullshit"

5. "Spongedon Squaretrump"

4. "Psycho"

3. "The Color of Alimony"

2. "Dr. Strangehair"

1. "A Streetcar Named You're Fired."
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Postby Turk » Wed Mar 09, 2005 9:54 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Cab Driver

10. "You don't mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?"

9. "Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?"

8. "You're not a cop, are you?"

7. "If my doctor knew I was driving, he'd be real pissed."

6. "All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake."

5. "You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat."

4. "I'm letting you know up front, any touching is fifty bucks extra."

3. "Mommy let me drive by myself today."

2. "You know it's 4:00 and three couples already had sex back there."

1. "My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate."
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Postby Turk » Thu Mar 10, 2005 5:06 am

Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Relationship

10. You call her "sweetie" she calls you "that guy whose food I'm poisoning."

9. You share the same prison cell.

8. I'm sleeping with your wife.

7. Your husband comes home with a new dress for you and another one for himself.

6. You sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms, in separate houses, in separate states.

5. He has spent the last three-and-a-half years fleeing from cave to cave.

4. She watches "Desperate Housewives" for ideas on how to cheat.

3. Your spouse is late for your anniversary because "the gay bar didn't have a clock."

2. Her response to your marriage proposal: "I guess."

1. You married Star Jones.
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Postby Turk » Fri Mar 11, 2005 3:16 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In A Beauty Salon

10. "Well, I don't know what I'm doing here but here goes"

9. "It's been three whole days since one of our customers got their ear clipped off"

8. "Ohh, a lock of your hair! I'll treasure it always"

7. "You know, I have the Hair Club for Men phone number if you want it"

6. "Hey, this is the first time I've seen you back here since the lice incident"

5. "You know, there are doctors that can correct misshapen heads like yours"

4. "Wait! That's not shampoo, that's Nair!"

3. "No! This isn't the guy that wants the Yankee logo shaved in his head!"

2. "Larry, for the last time, you're not a barber! Go sweep up the back!"

1. "Wanna see something crazy?" (He drinks Barbicide)
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Postby Turk » Sat Mar 12, 2005 1:35 pm

Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter

10. Eight hour lunch; two dollar tip

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage."

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo."

5. Insist that, before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks back to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!"

1. Three words: Eat the check
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Postby Turk » Sun Mar 13, 2005 1:59 am

aired 9/7/93

Top Ten Bad Things About Living Longer

10. Seems like every time you turn around that damn Halley's Comet is back.

9. Would see great, great, great grandchildren marry moon men

8. (See Richards, Keith)

7. Shoulder-length ear hair

6. If you're a Mets fan, you'd rather go early

5. More fantasies about Buddy Ebsen

4. Every time you sneeze, you break your hip

3. Eventually it's your turn to marry Zsa Zsa

2. While you grow to love Beavis, Butthead becomes almost unbearable

1. All the shoes
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Postby Turk » Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:39 am

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's

10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.

9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.

8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here."

7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.

6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas.

5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's okay..

4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.

3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.

2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.

1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"
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Postby Turk » Wed Mar 16, 2005 6:22 am

Top Ten Reasons I Left American Idol
Presented by Mario Vazquez


10. "Well, for starters, I was really, really drunk."

9. "I've got my eye on the ultimate prize: 'Belgium Idol'."

8. "Yes, my career is over, but I just saved a bundle on my car insurance."

7. "After seeing Michael Jackson, maybe I don't want to be a pop star."

6. "Ryan Seacrest is all hands."

5. "I started liking when Ryan Seacrest was all hands."

4. "Screw it--I'm quitting this, too."

3. .

2. .

1. .
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Postby Turk » Thu Mar 17, 2005 2:36 am

Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Winning The NCAA Basketball Championship

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket.

9. You spend most of the game guarding the mascot.

8. Some of the players joined the team for the free headbands.

7. Instead of drinking Gatorade, team uses timeouts to moisturize.

6. Typical motivational speech: "Let's hurry this up so we can shower."

5. The scorekeeper doesn't bother to turn on your half of the scoreboard.

4. In your region: North Carolina, Duke and the '98 Chicago Bulls.

3. You lead the conference in nosebleeds.

2. Team refuses to attend game beacuse they don't want to miss a new episode of The George Lopez Show.

1. Players ask themselves, "What would the Knicks do?"
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Postby Turk » Fri Mar 18, 2005 3:48 pm

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Dumb

10. Can't find the United States on a map of the United States

9. Nobody knows his I.Q. because he keeps eating the test

8. Sharpens ball point pens

7. He named his dog "Kitty"

6. Believes Bush is a real president.

5. Proudly wears a Knicks jersey

4. Sees photo of himself, says, "Hey, it's that guy from the mirror!"

3. Called FBI terrorism hotline to vote for Bin Laden

2. For his birthday you give him a flashlight and tell him it's a video game

1. Says, "I wish Michael Jackson was my dad!"
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Postby girlgoddess » Fri Mar 18, 2005 4:42 pm

TurkRogers wrote:Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Dumb

6. Believes Bush is a real president.


:)

.r.
if you have poo, fling it now.
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Postby Turk » Sat Mar 19, 2005 6:07 am

Top Ten Canadian Euphemisms For Sex

10. Playing mountie

9. Fur trapping

8. Making Peg whinny

7. Entering parliament

6. Pulling the goalie

5. Doin' it, eh?

4. Putting the "man" in Manitoba

3. High sticking

2. Stuffing a beaver -- the beaver is our national animal

1. Oh, Oh, Oh Canada
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Postby Turk » Sun Mar 20, 2005 2:45 am

Aired 9/13/93

Top Ten New Campbell Soup Slogans

10. M'm! M'm! Good! If eaten before April 1995

9. Free pennies inside every can

8. All-natural--except for the synthetic bacon

7. When there's absolutely nothing else in the house to eat

6. Hitler: bad. Soup: good

5. The official food of Glen Campbell

4. Remember, chicks dig guys who eat soup.

3. It's hot and wet!

2. Jimmy Stewart eats it, and he's damn near 150 years old.

1. M'm! M'm! Sodium benzoate!
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Postby Turk » Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:04 am

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office

10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.

9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.

8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.

7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging around.

6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.

5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.

4. Instead of Wite-Out, you're encouraged to use mayonnaise.

3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling.

2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.

1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats.
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