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PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 1:30 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Exercising Naked


10. Does my insurance cover naked gym accidents?

9. Can I handle a naked dude spotting me?

8. Is this even legal?

7. Does this mean I'm gay?

6. Is this some sort of "Dateline" sting?

5. What is their policy on squatting?

4. Will this be on YouTube?

3. If I get in shape, will that crazy astronaut chick start stalking me?

2. Do I want to be known as "The dude that got his deal caught in the leg press"?

1. Where do I put my locker key?

Top 10 ironic anagrams

PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 2:49 pm
by Ian
Top 10 ironic anagrams

OK, so there's more than ten!!!!

Sorry for crashing your thread again Turk but it seemed like a good place to put this :D


DORMITORY:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:






WOMAN HITLER :lol:

PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 12:35 pm
by deaeterna
:lol: Ian's threadjacking again!

Ian's Ironic Anagrams

PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 1:43 pm
by Turk
LOL, Tracy.

Ian (and anyone else)
Please crash this thread anytime! I love it and welcome it. I really really do:D

Those anagrams are brilliant, but I think they're hidden here and should have they're own thread.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 1:46 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day


10. "Ted, meet Carl -- he's going to be joining us this evening"

9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "

8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"

7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"

6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"

5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"

4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"

3. "We'll do something in a couple of days -- it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"

2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetary"

1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"

PostPosted: Sun Feb 25, 2007 10:11 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Signs Your Film Won't Be Winning An Academy Award

10. It was directed by Kenny Scorsese

9. In the middle of a scene, one actor calls his agent and fires him

8. It's a gut-wrenching drama about one man's struggle to hook up his Sirius Satellite radio

7. Actors are kitties

6. You couldn't afford Prada, so devil wears a Hillary Clinton pantsuit

5. Answers the question: "Did we really need a movie version of 'Who's The Boss'?"

4. (No number 4 -- writer still stuck on grounded JetBlue flight)

3. Hero's spaceship is actually a '95 Ford Focus

2. Title features words "Snakes" and "Plane"

1. DVD starts with "FBI warning: This film is a piece of crap"

PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 12:36 am
by Turk
Top Ten Signs Paula Adbul Is Nuts

10. Let Lindsay Lohan drive her home from AA meeting

9. Has started sleeping with "Price is Right" contestants

8. Whenever she watches "Two and a Half Men" asks, "Which one was I married to?"

7. Keeps telling everyone she loves being on "The Gong Show"

6. Let the cartoon cat from her music video "Opposites Attract" file her taxes

5. When "American Idol" contestants mention her hit, "Straight Up," instinctively blurts out, "No, with a twist"

4. Thought Larry King was a contestant on show, slept with him

3. Oh, I don't know -- the "Kucinich in '08" button maybe?

2. She's leaving "American Idol" to revive "Manimal"

1. Hasn't slept with an "Idol" contestant in weeks

PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:11 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York City


10. Tourists are getting mugged for their decongestant

9. The subways smell like urine and Starbucks iced coffee

8. Instead of convenience stores, thieves are sticking up Jamba Juice

7. People come to the Late Show just for the air conditioning. How old is that joke?

6. Rosie O'Donnell has started a feud with her allergist

5. Billy Joel has begun crashing convertibles. Seriously, is this list two years old?

4. Katie Couric is doing the news in a tank top and hot pants

3. Donald Trump's hair has begun to bloom

2. Lily Tomlin is spewing obscenities at sunbathers in Central Park

1. Stranded JetBlue passengers are on the tarmac in lawn chairs

PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:18 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Prom


10. "The theme is 'A Night in Gitmo' "

9. "The janitor is making a fresh batch of punch"

8. "I couldn't afford a corsage, so I bought you some Iceberg lettuce"

7. "For this next dance, I want all you Sunnis to grab a Shiite"

6. "I plan on having sex tonight -- not with you of course"

5. "Would you like to go someplace quiet and discuss the joys of Scientology?"

4. "Surprise! I wore my Spock ears!"

3. "Are you a cop?"

2. "Paris Hilton will attend anything"

1. "Nice dress, Carl"

PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 1:10 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Ways Paris Hilton Is Preparing For Jail


10. Asking Martha Stewart for "shower fight" tips

9. Meeting with Revlon to market signature delousing spray

8. Looking up recipe for making Cosmopolitans in the toilet

7. Attending Tampa Bay Devil Rays games to get used to solitary

6. Seeking permission to videotape her conjugals

5. No number 5 -- writer too upset by verdict to write a joke

4. Seeing what Prada has in orange jumpsuits

3. I dunno -- getting drunk and acting like a tramp? Seriously, young people -- keep it clean

2. Telling herself, "Heck, 45 days? That's not even a month"

1. Giving guards list of how she likes to be searched

PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 9:45 am
by Turk
Top Ten Things Overheard During Queen Elizabeth's Visit to the U.S


10. "She just uses that accent to sound like Madonna"

9. "Virginia. Finally a place where the people have worse teeth than we do"

8. "I loved you on 'Golden Girls'!"

7. "She look 40% queenier in person"

6. "Wow! She can really put away the chili dogs!"

5. "She may be the Queen of England, but she still has that 'old lady" smell

4. "Wow, smells like Jim Beam is visiting, too"

3. "President Bush, that is the Queen, Benny Hill died a few years ago"

2. "Which one of these horses is married to my son?"

1. "Regis looks good after his surgery"

PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 1:28 am
by Turk
Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Nudist Colony


10. At least once a day, the bartender gets his deal caught in a blender

9. It's crawlin' with fire ants

8. The women look less like Jessica Alba and more like Jessica Tandy (Rent "Cocoon" on DVD at Blockbuster today)

7. Larry King shows up wearing only his suspenders

6. Colony's slogan -- "Ewwwwwwww"

5. Hottest woman there is wearing a "World's Greatest Grandmother" hat

4. No number four -- writer at lame nudist colony

3. It's two naked guys and a tent

2. Dinner finds you on the bathroom floor eating next to David Hasselhoff

1. Everybody sorts of looks like Shrek

Top Three Stupidest Things Whatshishead Ever Said To Me.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:45 pm
by deaeterna
Well, now, I'm threadjacking, but I have to regain my sense of humor somehow, and I haven't seen Turk recently...

3. "I have friends who I don't talk to anymore because they don't want to speak to me." - Um, those are called ex-friends or former friends...

2. "God, you're so selfish. It's always me, me, me. You never think about anyone else." - Because I should be thinking about you, you, you instead.

1. "That's your problem, Tracy: You can't be friends with anyone. You always have to get emotionally involved." - Hence, the term friendship.

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 11:11 am
by Turk
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Summer Camp


10. "By the end of archery we need enough squirrels for grilling"

9. "My toothbrush, your toothbrush, what's the difference?"

8. "That video of the bear eating your leg is on YouTube"

7. "Welcome to Shaq's camp for fat kids"

6. "Good news -- we're on the cover of 'Lyme Disease' magazine"

5. "Children, please enjoy the comedy of Eddie Brill!"

4. "Across the lake to the east is the girls' camp; across the lake to the west is the state hospital for the criminally insane"

3. "Relax, this camp isn't haunted, despite the dozens of people who've been murdered here"

2. "Welcome to Hell, punks"

1. "It's February. Face it, your parents aren't picking you up"

PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 12:26 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Job


10. Some people share an office; you share a chair

9. Each day have to find new way of saying, "29% is a wonderful approval rating, Mr. President"

8. You're in charge of licking Chinese toys to check for lead paint

7. The name on your uniform is "Devil Rays"

6. At least once a day, you get kicked in the nuts by a goat

5. You get paid in gum

4. You're Michael Vick's dog walker

3. Question you're most often asked: "You still work here?"

2. Office policy states you must wear a tie...but no pants

1. You're Lindsay Lohan's rehab sponsor