Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:07 pm

Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Dalai Lama


10. "What is that, some kind of Halloween get up?"

9. "Is there a peaceful way for me to bomb Iran back to the stone age?"

8. "I got one for you -- why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?"

7. "Where's Mrs. Lama?"

6. "Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?"

5. "Is it true yoga is the new oil?"

4. "What the hell is happening on LOST?"

3. "How's business in Dollywood?"

2. "Have you ever met Dr. Phil?"

1. "I know your cousin Barack Olama."
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Postby Turk » Fri Nov 02, 2007 9:26 pm

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Hates You


10. You tell him to "sit" and he tells you to "eat it"

9. Only time he kisses you is after he drinks from the toilet

8. His favorite chew toy is your iPhone

7. Leaves a dead bird in your slipper with note reading "You're next"

6. Convinces Leona Helmsley's dog to evict you from your apartment

5. You dragged him all the way to New York City to perform some dumb trick on the Late Show

4. He gnawed a soup bone into a shiv

3. No number 3 -- writer shot by his dog

2. Leaves you to go live with Michael Vick

1. He paid Bob Barker $100 to neuter you
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Postby Turk » Mon Dec 03, 2007 8:34 pm

Top Ten Pet Peeves of Bigfoot


10. Constantly mistaken for Ed Asner

9. It's not "catsup," it's "ketchup"

8. "Harry and the Hendersons" not yet released on Blu-ray

7. Prefers the term "Plus-Sized Foot"

6. Not being able to qualify for Stupid Pet Tricks or Stupid Human Tricks

5. Split-ends!

4. Lack of Wi-Fi access in the deep woods

3. Has to share a cave with Bin Laden

2. You're large, hairy and smelly but still can't land job as New York cab driver

1. Losing People's Sexiest Man Alive to Matt Damon
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Postby Turk » Tue Dec 04, 2007 4:11 pm

Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq


10. "Extremist Makeover"

9. "Sects And The City"

8. "So, You Want To Be A Martyr"

7. "Sponge Bob Square Burka"

6. "Wives Swap"

5. "Sunni & Cher"

4. "Kurd Your Enthusiasm"

3. "Are You Smarter Than A Goat Herder?"

2. "How I Met Your Mullah"

1. "Desperate Cavewives"
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Postby Turk » Wed Dec 26, 2007 10:38 pm

Top Ten Little-Known Demands of the Striking WGA Writers


10. Fewer laptops, more lap-dancers

9. Triple word bonuses like in Scrabble

8. Sugar-coated erasers on their pencils

7. Time off for paper cuts

6. All DVD royalties paid in Chuck E. Cheese tokens

5. Top Ten list be reduced to nine

4. Bonuses for writers at Fox News when a news item turns out to be true

3. Special clause saying they'll never have to tie up all the loose ends on "Lost"

2. 20% higher minimum temperature in the Ed Sullivan Theater

1. Demanding their names be removed from credits of all Pauly Shore movies
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Postby Turk » Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:11 am

Top Ten Dumb Guy Predictions For 2008


10. People will put up new calendars

9. Geico will save 16% on your car insurance

8. Hillary Clinton will attend at least one event wearing a pantsuit

7. Oprah will buy the state of Oklahoma and rename it Oprahoma

6. Ellen DeGeneres will finally find a boyfriend

5. Somebody will finally invent cheese in a can

4. We will finally catch that Saddam guy

3. Gravy to pass Mayo as #4 world's favorite condiment

2. Global warming will make hot chicks look even hotter

1. Three words: President Dennis Kucinich
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Postby Turk » Thu Jan 17, 2008 5:34 pm

Top Ten Things Overheard on Bush's Trip to The Middle East


10. "Where can I buy one of them flying carpets?"

9. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, it's me, the guy who rammed democracy down your throats"

8. "Is the war over yet?"

7. "I know your name's Mahmoud, but I'm gonna call you 'Manny'"

6. "Gas up Air Force One -- W. wants to go to Reno"

5. "Tell Cheney he doesn't have to call me every time he has a heart attack"

4. "I wonder if Jackoway hammered out that interim agreement with Hamas"

3. "That's not a kitty, sir, it's a Sphinx"

2. "It's nice to finally put a face to the devastation I've created"

1. "My next stop -- the Middle West!"
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Postby Turk » Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:41 pm

Top Ten Rejected Titles For The George W. Bush Movie


10. "Jackass 3"

9. "The Lyin' King"

8. "The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009"

7. "Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot"

6. "Dial M For Moron"

5. "Das Boob"

4. "When Sally Met Cheney's Daughter"

3. "White Men Can't Govern"

2. "The Nightmare Before Hillary"

1. "Raging Bullshit"
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Postby Turk » Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:34 pm

Top Ten Things Overheard At Dick Cheney's Birthday Party


10. "Medic!"

9. "That's nice -- a card from Osama"

8. "He must be happy -- he's sneering from ear to ear"

7. "MMMMM! chocolate cake with Lipitor frosting"

6. "Clear!"

5. "You don't look a day over 93"

4. "Hey, his daughter is making out with Condoleeza"

3. "Instead of a pinata, we're gonna beat a Gitmo inmate"

2. "How about a rousing chorus of 'For He's a Miserable, Old Prick!"

1. "Duck!"
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Postby Turk » Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:49 pm

Top Ten Signs Your Monkey Is Too Fat


10. Tried to swing from a vine and brought down the entire tree

9. Only eats bananas smothered in nacho cheese and butter

8. When wearing a baseball cap, is often mistaken for Michael Moore

7. He knows 26 words, all of them Baskin-Robbins flavors

6. Last Halloween, put on a pair of earrings and went as Kirstie Alley

5. Kids keep yelling, "There's a hippo in the monkey house!"

4. Can no longer get around to solve crimes with his obsessive-compulsive behavior -- Sorry, that's a sign "Monk" is too fat. Watch new episodes of "Monk" on the USA network this summer!

3. At department stores, has to shop in the Husky Monkey section

2. He's used as the "Before" picture in all those monkey diet pill ads

1. Bill Clinton just hit that
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Postby Turk » Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:42 am

Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You


10. You turn on television and see a live feed of your shower

9. While you're ordering pizza, mysterious voice on the phone tells you to forget the mushrooms

8. There's been an ice cream truck parked outside your house for 9 months

7. Your dog has an antenna

6. You came home early and found an agent dusting your wife for prints

5. Your cat has an antenna

4. After eating a falafel, your name was added to the "Do Not Fly" list

3. Drudge Report features exclusive news about your breakfast

2. CIA director Hayden calls and says, "Judging by these surveillance photos, you should get that thing on your ass looked at"

1. During State of the Union, President suggests you to ask your doctor about Levitra
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Postby Turk » Tue Apr 29, 2008 4:01 pm

Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Pope


10. "Where is the little lady?"

9. "How long have you been Poping?"

8. "Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?"

7. "Have you ever tried eggs benedict?"

6. "Could you perform an exorcism on Dick Cheney?"

5. "You on spring break?"

4. "What are you doing for Passover?"

3. "Could you record a wacky greeting for my voicemail?"

2. "Can I come up to visit you and Rudolph at the North Pole?"

1. "Could you do something about my approval rating?"
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Postby Turk » Wed Jun 04, 2008 8:45 pm

Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is Drunk


10. Your report card is written on a damp cocktail napkin

9. Insists the Civil War was fought between Jack Daniel and Jim Beam

8. Tells class to hit the showers, but he's not a gym teacher

7. Every time the bell rings, he shouts, "Last call!"

6. Students give her an apple -- she makes Apple-tinis

5. By the end of the day, he's eaten three boxes of chalk

4. He tries to skateboard over a U-haul truck

3. No number 3 -- writer in jetBlue bathroom

2. Keeps getting his tongue stuck in the pencil sharpener

1. Teacher knows less about the Middle East than George W. Bush
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Postby Turk » Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:02 pm

Top Ten Messages Left on Barack Obama's Answering Machine


10. "It's Eliot Spitzer - let's get some girls and celebrate!"

9. "John McCain here, I...crap, I forgot why I called"

8. "This is Al Gore, don't make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote"

7. "It's John McCain again. What is this some kind of machine that answers the phone?"

6. "This is John Kerry; are you interested in a subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'?"

5. "You've just made a powerful enemy of The Pantsuit Manufacturers of America"

4. "It's Randy Jackson. Your last speech? Little pitchy, dawg"

3. No number 3 - writer stuck on plane with Scott McClellan

2. "Hillary calling; I'm still prepared to offer you the Vice President position"

1. "Oprah here; I helped you get the nomination now will you help me get rid of Dr. Phil"
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Postby Turk » Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:11 pm

Top Ten Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee


10. Your blood type has been reclassified as "espresso"

9. Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog

8. As soon as California legalized gay marriage, you got engaged to Mr. Coffee

7. Your after-shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer

6. You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room stall

5. A Starbucks just opened in your basement

4. Your last words before bypass surgery: "Tell Juan Valdez I love him"

3. Average 80 blinks per minute

2. You named your kids "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti"

1. Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show"
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