Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:07 pm

Top Ten Highlights Of The Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting


10. Cheney barred the door and yelled, "You'll never take me alive"

9. It was 3 hours of Guitar Hero

8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair plug guy

7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack

6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code -- "Help me. Help me. Help me."

5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush's head unstuck from a microwave oven

4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack

3. They agreed the "Late Show Fun Facts" book may just be the thing to bring this country together

2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney's pacemaker got HBO

1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, "I was hoping for the Alaskan broad"
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Postby Turk » Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:59 am

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Thanksgiving Day Parade


10. The Garfield balloon is anatomically correct

9. It was double booked with the Gay Pride Parade

8. On every float -- a sneezin' monkey

7. City forgot to stop traffic on parade route

6. Hillary Clinton still hasn't decided whether she'll be the grand marshall

5. Parade comes to an abrupt halt when tuba player inhales a pigeon

4. Even Dora the Explorer couldn't find a parking space. Hey, you gotta laugh or you'll go crazy, right New Yorkers?

3. Instead of shouting, "Ho Ho Ho!" Santa has long, violent coughing fits caused by years of smoking

2. It takes place on June 14th

1. There's a creepy guy who keeps asking you to inflate him
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Postby Turk » Mon Dec 01, 2008 6:20 pm

Top 10 Things Overheard At The Pilgrims' 1st Thanksgiving Day Parade

10. "This will never catch on"

9. "I almost forgot to buckle my hat this morning"

8. "This bald eagle is delicious"

7. "Parades are immoral. Floats are immoral. Thanksgiving is immoral"

6. "Crap, we forgot the helium back in England"

5. "Who the hell is Underdog?"

4. "Those balloons must be witchcraft!"

3. "Oh look! Here come the Plymouth Rock-ettes!"

2. "Let's have a nice hand for this year's Grand Marshal, John McCain"

1. "Your float sucketh"
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Postby Turk » Mon Feb 02, 2009 2:51 pm

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Super Bowl Party


10. Host refuses to turn on television until you agree to buy a Florida time share

9. There's salsa, pigs-in-a-blanket, clam dip and punch...all in the same bowl

8. The place smells like Dan Dierdorf

7. After every score, Plaxico Burress fires a round at the ceiling

6. Betting pool run by Bernie Madoff

5. It's in June -- wow, that's one bad Super Bowl party

4. No number 4 -- due to recession only 9 jokes tonight

3. All the guests are bitter, recently released Gitmo detainees

2. Can't see the game because of Aretha Franklin's hat

1. Your wife gets drunk and lets some guy "between the uprights"
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Postby Turk » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:18 am

Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine



10. "Hey, it's Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?"

9. "Joe Torre here -- thanks for helping book sales"

8. "Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?"

7. "Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn't win?"

6. "It's Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I'm still the most hated man in New York"

5. "Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?"

4. "This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don't speak English"

3. "Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?"

2. "Hey, it's Rod Blagojevich -- I'll say you're innocent, if you say I am"

1. "It's Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?"
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Postby Russell » Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:27 pm

Turk wrote:Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine



10. "Hey, it's Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?"

9. "Joe Torre here -- thanks for helping book sales"

8. "Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?"

7. "Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn't win?"

6. "It's Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I'm still the most hated man in New York"

5. "Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?"

4. "This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don't speak English"

3. "Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?"

2. "Hey, it's Rod Blagojevich -- I'll say you're innocent, if you say I am"

1. "It's Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?"

I love it! Best top 10 yet, Turk. Thanks.
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Postby Turk » Sun May 24, 2009 8:36 am

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Zoo


10. All animals are stuffed and mounted

9. It's nothing but photos of other zoos

8. Lost and found has a number of human limbs

7. Monkeys are forced to work as unpaid janitors

6. Every visitor gets free parasites

5. The animals are smoking

4. Ronny and the Goon never get around to taking the 12th caller (sorry, that's a sign you're at a bad morning zoo)

3. For an extra fee, you can pet the zookeepers

2. You ask where you can find a panda and they send you to the snack bar

1. Instead of octopus, they've got an octomom
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Postby marybeth » Tue May 26, 2009 12:56 am

Nice to have these again Turk! ;-)
http://www.marybethdamico.com

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Some people don't care if they live or they die
Some people want to know what it feels like to fly


Americana: "a nebulous category of misfits and acquired tastes, many of whom seem to have worn cowboy hats at one time or another" LA Times article
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Postby Turk » Thu May 28, 2009 2:01 pm

Smooches to you, MB. Hope you are well.
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Postby Turk » Thu May 28, 2009 2:03 pm

Top Ten Low-Budget Summer Fun Tips


10. At your next barbecue, serve inexpensive and delicious charcoal

9. Bathub plus Alka-Seltzer equals jacuzzi

8. You can send kids free to Al Qaeda training camp

7. Fake heart attack, ask ambulance to take you to hospital near Grand Canyon

6. After right amount of tequila, any beach becomes a nude beach

5. Light things that aren't firecrackers; yell "ka-pow!"

4. Make an inexpensive beach ball using a raccoon bladder

3. Don't say "stay-cation" unless you want to be punched

2. Go to Yankee Stadium and catch a ballgame for only $1,250

1. Instead of expensive log flume rides, take a U.S. Airways flight into the Hudson
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Postby Turk » Sun Jun 14, 2009 10:11 am

Wish I had posted this last week when all the fuss was happening.




Top Ten Highlights Of Sarah Palin's Trip To New York


10. Visited New York landmarks she normally only sees from Alaska

9. Laughed at all the crazy-looking foreigners entering the U.N.

8. Made moose jerky on Rachael Ray

7. Keyed Tina Fey's car

6. After a wink and a nod, ended up with kilo of crack

5. Made coat out of New York City rat pelts

4. Sat in for Kelly Ripa. Regis couldn't tell the difference.

3. Finally met one of those Jewish people Mel Gibson's always talking about

2. Bought makeup at Bloomingdale's to update her "slutty flight attendant" look

1. Especially enjoyed not appearing on Letterman
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Postby Turk » Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:23 pm

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford


10. Began last "State of the State" address, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"

9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states

8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated"

7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President

6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout

5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov"

4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx

3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents

2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again

1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling
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Postby Turk » Thu Jul 09, 2009 3:50 pm

Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison


10. Has it been 150 years yet?

9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?

8. Which way to the penthouse cell?

7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?

6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?

5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?

4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut

3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?

2. Will someone TiVo "America's Got Talent" for me for the next 149 years?

1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?
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Postby Turk » Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:11 pm

Top Ten Signs You're Staying at a Bad Resort


10. Concierge hands you keys and says, "Ah, Room 312... Let me see if the coroner is finished"

9. Fire escapes are not clearly marked and often barricaded

8. You're staying in the "Idi Amin Suite"

7. Phone in your room has only three numbers

6. Only water view is the toilet overflowing

5. Happy hour is between 5 a.m. and 5:30 a.m.

4. They offer lessons in golf, tennis and jihad

3. From the beach, you see sun, birds, and the U.S.S. Harry Truman pointing its .50 caliber machine guns at you

2. Pay-per-view movies are all videos of you sleeping

1. Appearing all week in the main showroom -- Regis
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Postby Turk » Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:16 pm

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Alaska's New Governor


10. Speaks in complete sentences

9. Lives in a sprawling 6,000 square foot igloo

8. Instead of "You betcha," he says, "Yer dang tootin'"

7. Not a female, but certainly effeminate

6. Spent first day cancelling Palin's subscriptions to every magazine and newspaper in the world

5. Was the "love me or hate me" bartender on season 2 of "Big Brother"

4. Gets paid in salmon

3. Will take office as soon as he's done following the Lil Wayne summer tour

2. Also in love with Todd Palin

1. Organizing a "Fire Letterman" rall
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