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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 6:59 am
by Turk
Top Ten Least Popular Things

10. Blood-engorged ticks

9. Tank tops on fat guys

8. Anything ingrown

7. Glourious basterds

6. Mets season tickets

5. Gentlemen's club sushi

4. Goo

3. You know when you go to the Cheesecake Factory and they tell you it's like a 30-minute wait and they give you that thing that lights up and vibrates when your table is ready? That thing

2. Swine flu/Paper cuts (tie)

1. Lame Top Ten Lists

PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:53 pm
by Ian
Don't ever stop these Turk... I love logging in to find a new top ten :D

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 7:45 am
by Turk
Top Ten Signs You Wasted Your Summer


10. Just started sending out application for summer jobs

9. Eyebrows haven't grown back after Fourth of July incident

8. Developed vaccine for 'swan' flu

7. The one person you saw naked was the creepy old guy at your gym

6. Only time you were at the beach was to bury a body

5. You can name more than two contestants on "America's Got Talent"

4. Woke up today at noon -- went to bed May 19th

3. You're watching this show

2. Spent past 3 weeks camping out for Michael Jackson tickets

1. You play for the Mets

PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:52 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Adopting a Monkey

10. "Do I need another monkey?"

9. "Is there a leasing option?"

8. "Have I properly monkey-proofed my home?"

7. "Should I adopt something more traditional like a raccoon?"

6. "Is there still a chance we could have a monkey naturally?"

5. "Do you sell 'My Monkey Is An Honor Student' bumper stickers?"

4. "Will I get hit with a heavy monkey tax?"

3. "Should I teach it to sneeze like that hilarious monkey on Letterman?"

2. "Can I raise him Jewish?"

1. "Will everything smell like Amy Winehouse?"

PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 5:17 am
by Ian
Excellent Turk.. One of your best to date lol.

I must admit however, I was a little suprised there were no GW references :wink:

Invisible karma coming your way sir

Image

PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 6:31 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is A Vampire


10. Doesn't answer to "Billy," but answers to "Count Billy"

9. Only thing he wants for Christmas is a pint of O-positive

8. Watches "Twilight," complains, "Real vampires would never do that"

7. When a baby tooth falls out, it's immediately replaced by a long pointy fang

6. You send him to his room, two minutes later a bat flies out the window

5. Can't tell a ball from a strike to save his life (sorry, that's a sign your kid is an umpire)

4. His last six piano teachers all mysteriously disappeared

3. Stays in bed all day long -- actually, that's any teenager. Right, moms?

2. Shrieks when his fishsticks accidentally form sign of the cross

1. He's paler than Sammy Sosa

PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 2:06 am
by Turk
Top Ten Things Overheard In Line To See "Avatar"

10. "What a coincidence! I couldn't find a woman to go with me either!"

9. "If I wear my 3-D glasses over my 2-D glasses, can I see in 5-D?"

8. "It's nice that they didn't overhype this thing"

7. "Last time I saw blue creatures for three hours, I drank too much Nyquil"

6. "It's set in the year 2154 when America finally passes a health care bill"

5. "Which one is Chewbacca?"

4. "Based on a true story, right?"

3. "Hold on -- Tiger's texting me"

2. "Chuck Schumer just called the ticket taker a bitch"

1. "$500 million for a movie -- recession's over!"

PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 1:07 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Least-Popular Holiday Toys

10. Zhu Zhu Scorpion

9. Rock Band: Flute Edition

8. The Lionel Richie Train Set

7. Tickle Me Madoff

6. Hungry, Hungry Kirstie

5. Rogue Barbie

4. Balloons That Do Not Include Boys

3. White House Party Invitation Maker

2. Regis Philbin Do-It-Yourself Hip Replacement Kit

1. Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em, Elin

PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 12:08 pm
by Turk
Top Ten Things To Be Happy About

10. Still no Larry King sex tapes

9. America has a rich surplus of Kardashians

8. The Taco Bell drive-thru diet

7. More aggressive friskings at our nation's airports

6. Jets coach Rex Ryan is sort of like the funny fat guy on "Cheers"

5. Go to YouTube, type "kitties" and thank me later

4. Only three more entries on this list

3. Renee Zellweger is proving that you can be fun and flirty at 40

2. Snooki and "The Situation" got busy in the hot tub, while Vinnie D and Ronnie went tanning and didn't tell J-Woww

1. For once, things are finally starting to go Jay Leno's way

PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2010 11:09 am
by Turk
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is An Alien

10. Day after he moves in, your wife gives birth to a purple lizard

9. Bores you with photos of his vacation to the Crab Nebula

8. Eats UPS guys like they're pistachios

7. Shops for clothes at Rochester Big & Tall & Three-Legged

6. Greets you by saying, "How's it going, earth monkey?"

5. His temperature is 6

4. His saucer-shaped garage... come on, that's a dead giveaway!"

3. Points to star and says, "That's where I went to undergrad"

2. "His home movies look suspiciously like "Avatar."

1. Authorities from Arizona just hauled him back to Neptune

PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:14 am
by Turk
Top Ten Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

10. Asks you for a bag of peanuts

9. Instructs you on how to use his pants as a flotation device

8. Directs your attention to an ape-like creature on the wing

7. Instead of walking up and down the aisles, crawls through the overhead compartment

6. Demonstrates how to properly hang yourself with a seatbelt

5. He is brusque, indifferent, increasingly surly, reacts to passengers with a put-upon eye roll and exaggerated sigh, becomes borderline rude and then outright hostile -- oh wait, that's all flight attendants

4. He announces "In the event of a water landing your fat ass can be used as a flotation device"

3. First clue: his parachute

2. Spent most of flight crawling on his hands and knees looking for his "kitty"

1. Walks down the aisle saying, "Coffee, tea, or why don't you just kiss my ass"