Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:20 am

Top Ten Questions Congress Forgot To Ask Baseball Players

10. "Who does Pete Rose have in his NCAA pool?"

9. "Why is Bud Selig so damn creepy?"

8. "Ever snort Rosin?"

7. "How will all this affect the value of my baseball card collection?"

6. "Mr. Palmiero, are you more embarassed by the steroid scandal or those Viagra commercials?"

5. "Can we really call this a hearing if none of you are saying anything?"

4. "Barney Frank wants to know if Johnny Damon is single?"

3. "Can you think of a better way to waste taxpayer money?"

2. "We should have invited David Wells--at least he'd bring beer."

1. "Why don't the Mets take performance-enhancing drugs?"
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Postby karla » Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:09 pm

I've been misssing this, and in Turk's absence, I thought I would post a recent top ten list. I especially love the brownie reference in number 4.

Top Ten Signs Your Accountant Doesn't Give A Damn Anymore Read By Ten Area Accountants
10. Tells you to expect a refund in three weeks and an audit in five.
9. Does all calculations on the tv remote control.
8. Tells you to deduct yourself.
7. No longer gets that magical glint in his eye when he talks about deferred contributions to tax-favored annuities.
6. He says, "I thought the 1040 was EZ until I met your wife!"
5. Keeps asking when he can do your kitty's taxes.
4. Whenever someone mentions a joint return, he whips out his special brownies.
3. Recently moved office to cave in mountainous region of Afghanistan.
2. Instead of working on your taxes, he's reading lame jokes on Letterman.
1. Constantly trying to arrange a threesome with H and R block.
It's hard to give, it's hard to get, ...
but everybody needs a little forgiveness.
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Postby karla » Wed Apr 27, 2005 1:01 pm

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Secretary

10. Files all documents under "D" for "Document".
9. Types 60 words a week.
8. Autopsies on her last 5 bosses show lethal amounts of wite-out.
7. "Flu attacks" suspiciously coincide with Yankees home day games.
6. Wears inappropriately short skirts, no matter how many times you tell him not to.
5. Will only dispense "petty cash" to Tom Petty or one of the Heartbreakers.
4. Instead of chatting by water cooler, goes 30 miles away to chat by reservoir.
3. You asked if anyone called--he said, "I'm not here to talk about the past, I'm here to talk about the present."
2. Every night tries to fax self home.
1. Filed a sexual harassment lawsuit because you asked her to take dictation.
It's hard to give, it's hard to get, ...
but everybody needs a little forgiveness.
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Postby Turk » Thu May 05, 2005 9:28 pm

Thank you, SweetSusie, for picking up my slack.
I watched the show the other night with "The Bad Secretary" and died laughing and was so upset that I couldn't post it. I'm glad you did.
Arlene says that I owe you guys about 30 or 40 or MORE by now. I'll try to make good on it....

Top Ten Least Popular Prom Themes

10. Enchantment Under House Arrest

9. A Night In Rome.., I mean, The Gymnasium

8. Next Stop--Teen Pregnancy

7. A Magical Evening With Robert Blake

6. Save The Last Dance For The Creepy Shop Teacher

5. Tomorrow We Work At Arby's!

4. Welcome To The World Of Herpes

3. Eternally Seacrest

2. I Only Have Eyes For Your Hot Friend

1. Prelude To A Hangover
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Postby Turk » Sat May 07, 2005 1:40 am

Top Ten Little Known Facts About My Son (Presented By Dave's Mom)

10. Earned a boy scout merit badge in whining

9. Would spend hours sewing outfits for the backyard squirrels

8. He actually thinks the staff likes him

7. Insists on calling me "mommy"

6. He's straight

5. Once ate $3.85 worth of nickels

4. That is his real hair

3. Got fired from after school job at supermarket for touching the meat

2. Classmates voted him "Most likely to be turned down for 'The Tonight Show'"

1. His date for the senior prom? You're looking at her
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Postby Turk » Sat May 07, 2005 9:13 pm

From the archives, just for KN

Top Ten Ways My Life Has Changed Since Becoming Famous
(as presented by Ruben Studdard)


10. I'm now the most famous guy in the world named Ruben

9. Thanks to NAFTA, I'm also the Canadian and Mexican Idol

8. Last weekend, I was briefly married to Britney Spears

7. I can actually afford to gas up my car

6. Now that I'm making big money, I no longer have to buy the generic paper towels

5. Guess who cleans my pool? Hall and Oates

4. Dude, Bush just asked me if I wanted to rule Iraq!

3. In addition to an agent and a manager, I have an apprentice

2. Chance to appear on my favorite late night talk show -- but until then this one will do

1. After I won I gave Paula Abdul a Ruben sandwich
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Postby Turk » Sun May 08, 2005 3:09 pm

From May 1997

Top Ten Signs Your Mother is Nuts

10. What she calls a "Tupperware Party," the FBI calls a "Three-Week Standoff"

9. She tried to rob a convenience store with her Martha Stewart glue gun

8. Instead of "Mom," she makes you call her "Xena, Warrior Princess"

7. You and your eight siblings are all named Carl

6. It took her four years before she divorced Donald Trump

5. She insists on eating Mother's Day dinner under the porch

4. Every morning, says, "Wake up, or you'll be late for Comet Hale-Bopp!"

3. Whenever you lose a sock, it turns up in that night's meat loaf

2. Believes Eddie Murphy really was just giving that hooker a ride

1. Your name is Michael Jackson, Jr.
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Postby Turk » Tue May 10, 2005 6:31 am

Top Ten Tips For Winning The Kentucky Derby Presented By The Winning Jockey From The 131st Kentucky Derby, Mike Smith

10. To make weight, I haven't eaten since June.

9. Promise horse, "If you win, I'll buy you 'Seabiscuit' on dvd."

8. Goodbye uncomfortable iron horse shoes--hello sensible Dr. Scholl's insole cushions.

7. Practice by riding a lot of merry-go-rounds.

6. Starter will let you out of gate early if you slip him a twenty.

5. Every few strides I lean into the horse's ear and I yell, "Giddyup!"

4. Two words: Vibrating saddle

3. Before race, I toss back a couple Mint Juleps.

2. To eliminate wind resistance, shave your horse.

1. It helps if your trainer is Jose Canseco.
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Postby Turk » Thu May 12, 2005 2:49 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Fast-Food Restaurant

10. "Welcome to Burger King. I am Pepe, the Burger Prince. May I take your order?

9. "Did you want to eat here, or are we going back to your place?"

8. "Cheeseburger, French fries and Coke... $94"

7. "You know that Subway guy, Jared? I've got him out in my trunk"

6. "I personally check the quality of everything I sell"

5. "The onion rings are laughing at me!"

4. "Here's your food, and here's the name of a gastroenterologist"

3. "I just ate the toy from the kids' meal and I don't feel so good"

2. "Don't bother me. I'm on my lunch break"

1. "Employees must wash their hands... Please."
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Postby Turk » Fri May 13, 2005 1:24 am

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Vladimir Putin's Mind At This Moment

10. "That's it--turn the wheel left and the car goes left."

9. "He's getting the steering wheel sticky with taffy."

8. "How can an adult get his necktie tangled around the gear shift?"

7. "I regret not making that 15-minute call to Geico."

6. "Floor it, you dumb hillbilly!"

5. "At this point, would it be more dangerous to jump out or stay in?"

4. "This baby gets so much as a scratch, I'm launchin' the nukes."

3. "I'd be better off letting Billy Joel drive this thing."

2. "Not often you hear a grown man saying, 'Vroom! Vroom!'"

1. "Why is his hand in my lap?"
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Postby Turk » Sun May 15, 2005 3:15 pm

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Prom Date

10. "Wow, 9 months from tonight we'll be parents!"

9. "You're even prettier than you are in your bedroom window."

8. "Is that cologne or beef gravy?"

7. "You're not a cop, are you?"

6. "Instead of a tuxedo, I decided to wear my Obi-Wan Kenobi costume."

5. "Here's our limousine..ignore the Domino's logo."

4. "Which Debby Boone song is your favorite?"

3. "Good news! I found your finger in the punch bowl."

2. "Would you like to come in and meet my father, North Korean madman Kim Jong Il?"

1. "How cute! We're wearing the same dress!"
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Postby Turk » Wed May 18, 2005 3:21 am

Top Ten Reasons To Watch Britney Spears And Kevin Federline's New Show Presented by Britney and Kevin Federline

10. Britney: "There's never-before-seen footage of me wrestling an alligator."

9. Kevin: "Unlike those 'Desperate Housewives' chicks, we're not, like, 60 years old."

8. Britney: "It's like 'American Idol' except no one sleeps with Paula Abdul."

7. Kevin: "In the first episode, you can see my ass."

6. Britney: "I'm hot."

5. Kevin: "She's hot."

4. Britney and Kevin: "We haven't had nearly enough media coverage."

3. Britney: "It's gotta be better than this show."

2. Kevin: "If enough people tune in, maybe my wife will make out with Madonna again."

1. Britney: "In the season finale, you'll find out Dave is the father of my baby--oops."
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Postby Turk » Fri May 20, 2005 8:24 pm

Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled

10. Windshield wipers are on the inside

9. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral

8. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels

7. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1"

6. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!

5. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck

4. Horn only audible to dogs

3. Bucket seats? Actual buckets

2. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".

1. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin
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Postby Turk » Tue May 24, 2005 2:04 am

Top Ten Ways Gas Stations Are Trying To Keep Customers Happy

10. Buy 10 gallons, get 11th gallon for only $8.50!

9. Rest room keys now on even bigger cumbersome sticks!

8. Finally admitting "Ultra" is exact same crap as "Regular"

7. Want to smoke by the pumps? Go nuts

6. Allow customers to pay for tank of gas in just 19 easy payments

5. Kids can jump around in the pit full of old spark plugs

4. Doesn't paying $40 for gas make you feel sort of like Bill Gates?

3. Texaco features gas pumped by one of the dorks kicked off "Survivor" island

2. Many attendants learning to say, "Thank you, dumbass" in Arabic

1. On request, they'll squeegee you
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Postby Turk » Wed May 25, 2005 2:01 am

Top Ten Ways Dumb Guys Would Lower Gas Prices

10. Sell gas by the half-gallon

9. Sneak up to gas stations in the middle of the night and switch the price numbers

8. Cut out that expensive ingredient that gives it that delicious gas smell

7. Forget OPEC, start getting oil from Wal-Mart

6. Step one: Oprah buys all the gas. Step 2: Oprah gives the gas away.

5. Build time machine, drive back to 1965 when gas was cheap.

4. Fill car with root beer. Cars won't know no better.

3. Release the recipe so people can make their own

2. Drive really fast so you're not driving so long

1. Invade Iraq
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