Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Thu May 26, 2005 2:03 am

Top Ten Least Popular Summer Jobs

10. Taco Bell cook in charge of deep-frying the Chihuahuas.

9. Times Square sidewalk-stain remover.

8. Summer sparring partner for the New York Knicks.

7. U.S. census worker in charge of counting Starbucks.

6. Dead animal disposal, Disney's Animal Kingdom.

5. Subway token taster.

4. U.N. weapons inspector assigned to dig through piles of Saddam Hussein's undershirts.

3. Cleaning up after Biff's spin art.

2. Hooker at a "Star Wars" convention.

1. President.
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Postby Turk » Fri Jun 03, 2005 6:28 am

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn

10. He shows up with a pair of manicure scissors and a Ziploc

9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

8. His nickname: the Unamower

7. On the side of his mower you notice stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats

6. Stops every 15 minutes to smoke some clippings

5. Using your riding mower, leads L.A.P.D. on a three-hour low-speed chase

4. He's always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

3. He somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Every week he tries to match your lawn to Dennis Rodman's hair

1. No toes
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Postby karla » Fri Jun 03, 2005 10:01 am

This is the funniest list I've seen in a long time. 13 cat silhouettes -- hee,hee!
It's hard to give, it's hard to get, ...
but everybody needs a little forgiveness.
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Postby Turk » Mon Jun 06, 2005 8:56 am

SweetSusie wrote:This is the funniest list I've seen in a long time. 13 cat silhouettes -- hee,hee!

I agree....sometimes one will come along that just stands out.
...I like this next one. I'm sure Kris will get a kick...


Top Ten Depressing Thoughts Your Dog Has

10. "I haven't felt as attractive since that doctor surgically removed my sex organs."

9. "Oh god, he's going to make me chase that damn frisbee again."

8. "I'm 63 years old and my name is 'Waffles'."

7. "What if the computers at Alpo can't handle the Y2K bug?"

6. "If I ever catch the idiot who invented 'fetch' I'm gonna bite his arm off."

5. "You're serving me Cycle 5? Oh, just put me to sleep already."

4. "How would he like it if I called myself Snoop Humany Human?"

3. "Maybe 'CATS' is 'now and forever'."

2. "Adam Sandler makes $20 million a film and I'm drinking out of a toilet."

1. "Ted Danson has another series?"
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Postby Turk » Tue Aug 09, 2005 5:15 am

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Spending Too Much Time On The Internet

10. Used to be called "Larry"--now calls himself "Larry dot com"

9. Every conversation turns into a sales pitch for low-interest morgage rates

8. On his wall, poster of Jonathan Schwartz, president and chief operating officer of sun microsystems

7. You call it a cold--he calls it being infected with spyware

6. Bought his prom date on eBay

5. Only thing on his iPod-- that dial-up modem connection sound

4. You found a stack of wired magazines underneath his bed

3. Sitting alone in a room has left him with the people skills of Dick Cheney

2. You have to move because he lost your house to an online casino

1. You catch him Googling himself
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Postby Turk » Sat Sep 03, 2005 3:58 am

Top Ten Signs You Have No Friends

10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family Plan

9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do you want to rent tonight?"

8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group.

7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world.

6. Your initials are G.S., and you own a major league baseball team in the Bronx.

5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep. He's dead."

4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and tying them to the furniture.

3. James Taylor sings the first few bars of "You've Got a Friend," notices you in the audience, and stops.

2. You're still drinking from same keg you bought on New Year's Eve '87.

1. All your phone calls start with "976."
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Postby Turk » Tue Sep 06, 2005 8:33 am

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Job

10. "It's a 12-hour commute each way"

9. "You know the guy who refills the ketchup bottles in the prison cafeteria? You're his assistant"

8. "You're Courtney Love's Publicist"

7. "For insurance purposes, Boss personally administers a daily physical"

6. "Sign outside your door reads, 'Jim's Office/Men's Room'"

5. "You're taken to and from work in the trunk of a car, blindfolded"

4. "Word 'throb' appears with surprising frequency in job application"

3. "You're working on Labor Day"

2. "Your name is George W. Bush (I'm Sorry, that's a sign you're doing a bad job)"

1. "You're the idiot who has to change the gas prices on the sign every 5 minutes"
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Postby Turk » Wed Sep 07, 2005 6:24 am

Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Gay Detective Show


10. "CSI: Fire Island"

9. "Starsky and Butch"

8. "The Touchables"

7. "Minnelli Vice"

6. "Manhunt"

5. "Mike's Hammer"

4. Jake and the Fat Gay Man"

3. "Mission: Impossibly Fabulous

2. "Cagney Loves Lacey"

1. "Studio 54, Where Are You?"
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Postby Turk » Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:52 am

Top Ten Signs You've Chosen the Wrong College


10. "First ten students are offered jobs as professors"

9. "Latin motto translates to 'I can't believe it's not butter'"

8. "'Kollege'" is spelled with a 'K'"

7. "All that's in library: paperback anthologies of 'Garfield'"

6. "The Dean's List salutes students who've slept with the dean"

5. "All buildings covered with ivy...on the inside"

4. "You're constantly being acosted by Al Qaeda recruiters"

3. "'Philosophy' lectures are based on that day's Jerry Springer Final Thought"

2. "Most notable alumnus? Fema director Michael Brown"

1. "You ask about the college endowment ...and the admissions officer drops his pants"
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Postby Turk » Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:45 am

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New Teacher


10. "My name is Mr. Parker...but if the feds ask, I'm Mr. Johnson"

9. "Sorry I'm late...some bullies threw me into a locker"

8. "Anybody need lottery tickets or cigarettes?"

7. "My system is simple...I assign grades by height"

6. "I will learn your names when I sober up"

5. "Science, scientology, what's the difference?"

4. "Today you'll be dissecting the person sitting next to you"

3. "Daddy is sleepy...wake me at 4"

2. "I'm gonna learn you all kinds of smart things"

1. "Show of hands...who has a single, slutty mom?"
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Postby Turk » Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:55 am

Top Ten Good Things About Playing Baseball in New York


10. If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a car window, hey it's just another busted car window

9. Free bus fumes while you work out

8. Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride to the stadium

7. Vendors selling corked hot dogs

6. New York has the nation's most affordable bail bondsmen

5. Plenty of spit for spitballs

4. After the game, if you don't take a shower, everyone just assumes it's the city that stinks

3. The greatest fans in the world always shouting, 'Mets suck!'

2. Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the World Series, that with one phone call, we could get the opposing pitcher whacked

1. Two words: Rat Night
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Postby Turk » Wed Sep 14, 2005 1:56 am

Top Ten Questions For The Fema Director Application


10. "Are you able to convey a false sense of security?"

9. "What percentage of your resume is fabricated?"

8. "In a crisis, which state or local officials would you blame?"

7. "What are your plans after you resign?"

6. "Do you mind if the last guy left the office smelling like Arabian horses?"

5. "Which is most serious: A disaster, a catastrophe, or a dis-astrophe?"

4. "Does Robert Blake dating again count as an emergency?"

3. "Can the president easily add '-ie' to your last name to form a nickname?"

2. "Can you screw up bad enough to take the heat off the president's mistakes?"

1. "Michael Brown...Idiot or moron?"
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Postby Turk » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:39 am

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Working With Al Qaeda


10. "Greets you every day with, 'Good morning, infidel'"

9. "Spent weekend at mall looking for back-to-school turbans"

8. "His paper route includes the mountainous Tora Bora region"

7. "Keeps mocking you for only having the one wife"

6. "Blind Sheik always coming over to play Grand Theft Auto on Xbox"

5. "You're getting gas for 12 cents a gallon"

4. "He's saving his allowance to buy a camel"

3. "Find yourself saying, 'No Al Jazeera 'til you finish your homework'"

2. "Bedroom is covered with posters of Lebron James and Ayman Al-Zawahiri"

1. "At dinner, angrily declares, 'Death to meatloaf'"
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Postby Turk » Fri Sep 16, 2005 5:33 am

Top Ten Bald Guys Pickup Lines


10. "You're beautiful, and that's not just the Rogaine talking"

9. "I will shower you with gifts with the money I save not buying shampoo"

8. "Would you like to run your fingers through my head?"

7. "Your eyes are sparkling -- or maybe that's just the glare off my head"

6. "Yeah, that's right, I'm TV's Paul Shaffer"

5. "I don't have any paper, but you can write your phone number on my forehead"

4. "Close your eyes and pretend I'm Dick Cheney"

3. "Wanna go back to my place and see my hairpiece?"

2. "There are two things missing from my life: healthy hair follicle growth and you"

1. "Wanna buff me?"
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Postby Turk » Wed Sep 21, 2005 1:04 am

Top Ten Magician Pet Peeves


10. Stores who don't accept change pulled from people's ears

9. You've got a cold and all your handkerchiefs keep turning into doves

8. When plumber says, "You're the magician, you unclog it"

7. Due to screw up at magic shop you pull a rabbi out of your hat

6. It's lonely on the road and most nights you end up "palming it"

5. Two words: cape rash

4. You mumble, "Abracadabra" in your sleep -- when you wake up your furniture is gone

3. Accidentally saw one woman in half and you're suspended

2. When you do your mind-reading trick, all you seem to get is "Magicians suck"

1. Your girlfriend leaves you for a magician with a bigger wand
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