Top 10 Signs Your Flight Attendant is About to Go Nuts

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Postby Turk » Thu Sep 22, 2005 8:25 pm

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Genius Grant


10. "You often hear things like, 'Quit licking the jumper cables'"

9. "Your contribution to society: Socks for Kitties"

8. "You've tried to put a postage stamp on your e-mail"

7. "You are described as 'Bush-esque'"

6. "Vowed to use $500,000 prize money to see 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' 50,000 times

5. "Wrote thesis on 'The Medicinal Powers of Nutter Butter Cookies'"

4. "Can't figure out your computer's Caps Lock key"

3. "To impress judges you wear gold foil hat reading '#1 Genius'"

2. "Only thing you've had published is a letter to Penthouse Forum"

1. "Michael Brown beat you out for the Fema gig"
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Postby Turk » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:07 am

Top Ten Signs Your Airplane Is About To Go Bankrupt


10. "When boarding, gate attendant asks, 'You sure about this?'"

9. "200 passengers, 1 bag of peanuts"

8. "Instead of a pillow, you're told to rest your head on the guy next to you"

7. "You notice your landing is being covered by the local news"

6. "Flight is delayed until attendants finish shredding important financial records"

5. "Complimentary headsets are fifty bucks"

4. "Navigator uses the 1983 Hammond Road Atlas"

3. "Provides daily non-stop service from gate 54 to gate 53"

2. "Instead of feature films, passengers watch video of co-pilot doing it"

1. "Pilots borrow money for cocktails"
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Postby Turk » Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:28 am

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Trying To Kill You


10. 'Accidentally' leaves slippery chew toy at top of cellar stairs.

9. You see him whittling a knife out of a Snausage.

8. He's reading the Stephen King novel 'Cujo.'

7. Forges your will so that when you die, he gets 400,000 dog biscuits.

6. Leaves photo of you and girlfriend where your wife can't miss it.

5. Recently purchased subscription to 'Soldier of Fortune For Puppies.'

4. You catch him gnawing on your car's brake line.

3. Repainted the sign on your mailbox to read: Rushdie.

2. Whenever you're in the bath, he decides to fetch the radio.

1. When you try to quit smoking, he chews up your nicotine patches.
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Postby Turk » Mon Oct 03, 2005 1:15 pm

Top Ten Rejected Catch Phrases For Martha Stewart's "Apprentice"

10. "You're not even worth a pack of smokes!"
Duaine o., La, Mirada

9. "You're like a cherished vase: you're hand-crafted, glazed, put gently into a kiln, and, subsequently, fired"
Andy K., Ann Arbor, MI

8. "The apron don't fit, so you must split"
Marilyn O., Toronto, Canada

7. "Your souffle has fallen"
Robin P., Robinson Township, PA

6. "If I were still in prison, I'd shank your bitch ass!"
Orin D., Sable, River

5. "I'm sorry, but I'm divesting myself of you quicker than ImClone stock"
John S., Riverside, CA

4. "You're flambe'd!"
Douglas S., Kansas, City

3. "Get out of here before I cut ya!"
Brian L., Huntington, WV

2. "As we say on the inside, 'Lights out, bitches!'"
Becky H., Decatur, IL

1. "Go baste yourself!"
Rob G., Boulder, CO
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Postby Turk » Tue Oct 04, 2005 2:01 am

Top Ten Signs Your Supreme Court Pick Isn't Qualified


10. "Lost 10 grand yesterday in the 'case' of Jets vs. Ravens"

9. "Spends most of her time trying to fit the gavel into her mouth"

8. "Her legal mentor: Oliver Wendell Redenbacher"

7. "Asks courtroom stenographer to, 'Quit that annoying tapping!'"

6. "Instead of Constitutional law books, consults set of 'Garfield' paperbacks"

5. "Keeps shouting, 'When does mama get to hang somebody?!'"

4. "When Scalia walks by, she pretends to cough and says, 'Rogaine'"

3. "Authored the book: 'I'm Not Qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice'"

2. "The closest thing to courtroom experience was being an extra on 'Matlock'"

1. "Glowing letter of recommendation from former FEMA director Michael Brown"
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Postby Turk » Sat Oct 08, 2005 6:34 am

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying The Meat'Normous Sandwich


10. "How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?"

9. "Am I comfortable using the word, 'meat'normous'?"

8. "Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?"

7. "Is that bigger than meat'gantic?"

6. "Does a massive coronary qualify as 'having it my way'?"

5. "Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?"

4. "Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?"

3. "Why do I have to sign a waiver?"

2. "Can I get it with egg whites?"

1. "Did Cheney like it?"
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Postby Turk » Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:20 am

Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Wants To Have Sex With You


10. "His name is Dr. Wilson--He hands you a prescription for '1,000 mg. of Dr. Wilson'"

9. "He takes your pulse by holding your ass"

8. "Examining table has vibrate function"

7. "Before examination, turns the skeleton around so you can be alone"

6. "Instead of anatomy chart, has life-size poster of him in his underpants"

5. "You don't need a transplant, but he keeps offering you his organ"

4. "Schedules next appointment for midnight in his van"

3. "Asks you to undress, then asks you to put on a nurse's uniform"

2. "He diagnoses you with an 'acute lack of gettin' bizzay'"

1. "Says it's time for your injection, but he's not holding a syringe"
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Postby Turk » Thu Oct 20, 2005 6:17 pm

Top Ten Signs You Have Too Many Kids


10. "Kids sleep in bunk beds, sit on bunk sofas"

9. "Any movie you take kids to instantly becomes number one film in the country"

8. "You're spending $7.3 million a year in allowance"

7. "Family wiffle ball game has larger attendance than Devil Rays games"

6. "A 'Gap For Kids' just opened in your living room"

5. "In speech on global warming, Al Gore holds up your gas bill"

4. "When your kid says, 'I Love You', you say, 'And you are?'"

3. "Locals refer to you as 'That couple that's always doin' it'"

2. "FEMA is airlifting Cheerios and Barney videos to your home"

1. "Neighbors take up collection to buy you a vasectomy"
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Postby Turk » Sat Oct 22, 2005 10:52 am

Top Ten Rides At The New Sex Theme Park


10. "The Humper Cars"

9. "The Cindy-and-Debbie-and-Mary-Go-Round"

8. "Pamela Anderson's Lace Mountains"

7. "Paris Hilton: The Ride"

6. "The Tilt-A-Whore"

5. "It's Not Such A Small World After Viagra"

4. "Wonderland In Alice"

3. "The Log Flume"

2. "Pasqual, The Mexican Pearl Diver"

1. "Mr. Clinton's Wild Ride"
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Postby Turk » Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:32 am

Top Ten Signs Sylvester Stallone Is Too Old To Play Rocky


10. "Instead of triumphantly bounding into the arena, rides in on a Rascal"

9. "Constantly saying, 'Yo, Adrian, get my Lipitor'"

8. "Love interest played by Carol Channing"

7. "The only thing 'Rocky' about him are his kidney stones"

6. "Instead of getting knocked out, Rocky keeps lying down for a nap"

5. "His stunt double: Wilford Brimley"

4. "Constantly complaining 'Rocky' theme is too loud"

3. "After tapping hands with other fighter, says, 'Not so hard!'"

2. "Opponent in 'Rocky VI' is a guy with a cloak and a scythe"

1. "Keeps getting asked out by Anna Nicole Smith"
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Postby Turk » Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:14 am

Top Ten Dumb Guy Tips For Avoiding The Bird Flu


10. "Before eating chicken, soak it in Lysol"

9. "Don't lick unfamiliar pigeons"

8. "Frighten birds by constantly meowing"

7. "Stay away from basketball great Larry Bird"

6. "Anti-bacterial smoothies"

5. "Move to a place where there are no birds, like the moon"

4. "Avoid birds that look like they're up to something"

3. "Go back to the old Y2K bunker, start drinking"

2. "Fill birdfeeder with Sucrets"

1. "If you have a chicken, check for swelling in the McNuggets"
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Postby Turk » Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:56 am

From Nov '04

Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Halloween Party


10. 150 people sharing one Twix bar.

9. "Bobbing for apples" inadvertently becomes "bobbing for fat kid's retainer."

8. Supermarket ran out of pumpkins so jack-o-lantern carved out of a honeydew.

7. All the decorations read, "Happy Chanukah."

6. Your wife's been upstairs with the guy in the Bill O'Reilly costume for a couple of hours.

5. It's B.Y.O.M.: Bring your own monkey.

4. Well, for starters it's April.

3. Someone says, "Hey, great Mickey Rooney mask!" but you're not wearing a costume.

2. When a guy dressed as grim reaper leaves, you notice your grandparents missing.

1. It's just you and Martha in an 8-by-10 cell.
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Postby Turk » Thu Nov 03, 2005 4:57 am

From '02

Top Ten Ways To Make Football Even More Exciting


10. Both teams wear the same uniform

9. Replace players' oxygen tanks with laughing gas

8. Every fan gets one of those referee microphones

7. Helmets that make comical "boing" sound effect

6. End-zone dances choreographed by the fabulous Tommy Tune

5. A day before the game, both teams redecorate each other's locker rooms

4. Two words: jet packs

3. Halftime lecture series by Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan

2. Lift "no flirting" rule in the huddle

1. Losing coach has to give John Madden open-mouth kiss
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Postby Turk » Wed Nov 09, 2005 5:53 am

Top Ten Ways CBS News Can Attract Younger Viewers


10. "Interviews start with, 'Sup, dawg?'"

9. "Once a month, Ashton Kutcher punks a world leader"

8. "Something bad happens in the world, anchor does a shot"

7. "Make '60 Minutes' stopwatch digital"

6. "Less about fighting in Middle East, more about fighting between Nick and Jessica"

5. "Spell news with a 'Z' - - The kids eat up crap like that"

4. "Get a drunk weatherman like 'The Today Show'

3. "Anyone who sits through an entire broadcast gets an Ipod"

2. "Anchor must deliver the news while fighting off a rattlesnake"

1. "Less frontin', more straight out trippin'"
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Postby Turk » Thu Nov 10, 2005 5:43 am

Top Ten Questions On The Carolina Panthers Cheerleading Application


10. "You're cool about getting freaky in restrooms, right?"

9. "If you don't get the job, are you gonna punch me?"

8. "Can I see your pom-poms?"

7. "Have you and another girl ever gone into the red zone?"

6. "Would you describe yourself as a 'slut' or a 'tramp'?"

5. "Would you like to participate in a special event with me and my wife?"

4. "Are you willing to stand outside, half-naked in January for minimum wage?"

3. "What's John Madden like in the sack?"

2. "How do you look in a mug shot?"

1. "Would you mind if I tried splitting your uprights?"
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