Jokes

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Jokes

Postby StevieFan » Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:11 pm

Door to door salesman


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to
close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."
*YOUR AD HERE*
Call or email for rates.
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Postby altCountryGuy » Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:45 pm

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. The boat is sinking. Who gets saved?


The American People!

Everybody needs a little forgiveness.

http://www.last.fm/user/altCountryGuy/
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Postby Turk » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:30 am

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.


1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man,
somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my b**** rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment
they gonna send me back to the joint.


7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said
penis.


8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake."
He say, "Bulls***, that watch israel."


9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment
undermine.


10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took
me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you
break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan
on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say
"fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
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Postby Turk » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:51 am

A not-so-dumb blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Postby Turk » Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:04 am

Classified Ads

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8 years old. Hateful little dog. BITES

------------------------------------------

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neighbor's dog

------------------------------------------

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part stupid dog

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Speaks German. Free

------------------------------------------

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Looks like a rat... been out awhile.
Better be reward.

------------------------------------------

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Also 1 gay bull for sale.

------------------------------------------

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call Chubby

------------------------------------------

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grown - 89 cents lb.

------------------------------------------

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------------------------------------------

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer.
$300

------------------------------------------

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete
set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month, Wife knows everything.
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Postby Arlene » Mon Jan 31, 2005 12:34 pm

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No", says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
she fakes it with Ken."
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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Postby cinnamoons » Tue Feb 01, 2005 3:00 pm

I laughed for 10 minutes!!!

how about a little religious joke?

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

A loud knock on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FBI motherf$%*ers! On your knees, hands behind your back!!"
Last edited by cinnamoons on Thu Nov 03, 2005 6:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Turk » Thu Feb 10, 2005 3:36 am

A blind man sat at the bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender put his drink in front of him, the blind man said, "Would you like to hear a dumb blonde joke? The bartender leaned over and said " Before you start, let me tell you I am blonde, the bouncer behind you is blonde, the man sitting beside you is blonde, and my helper at the end of the bar is also blonde. Now, do you still want to tell the joke?"
"No" said the blind man, "Not if I have to explain it 4 times."
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Postby TontoBronto » Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:13 am

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror,
taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey,"
she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an
ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag
so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs
are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks
like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" She
turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell
me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel
better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then
says in a soft, thoughtful voice, Well...there's nothing
wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning
at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church.
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Postby TontoBronto » Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:15 am

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. In
fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro between them.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop
and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus exclaimed "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two
glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We
haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan--Cheers!"

After they downed their drinks, Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." When the barman saw
this, he went berserk and threw them out.
Shamus was elated and they continued their scam, pub after pub, getting more
and more tipsy, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do this any more.
I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Last edited by TontoBronto on Tue Mar 15, 2005 2:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Turk » Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:38 am

Hahahahahahahahaha :D
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Postby Turk » Sun Feb 13, 2005 1:46 pm

A penguin takes his car into the shop for repairs.
The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to check it out.
So, the penguin walks across the street to the 7-11 to get an ice cream and kill a little time.
Having no hands, the penguin gets ice cream all over his beak.
He goes back across the street to the garage.
The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just a little ice cream."
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Postby Turk » Thu Feb 24, 2005 11:19 am

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Postby disco_fred » Sun Feb 27, 2005 11:21 pm

Is it okay to tell blonde jokes? I love blondes, so I mean no harm. All is for laughter, fun, frolic, and frivolity :D !!!

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How can you tell that a blonde has sat at your computer?
A: There's white-out all over the screen.

Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
A: An interpreter.

Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the ones that read "W".
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think -- ah, who cares? And then I think -- hey, what's for supper?" -- Jack Handey.
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Postby solesearching » Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:12 pm

Ok, my grandma told me this joke but I think it is rather flippin' funny.

As an excercise in recognition a first grade teacher brings in several food objects and places them in bowls in front of the childern.

She asks them to close their eyes and taste what is in the first bowl. One little bow raises his hand and says "It's Chocolate"

She asks them to taste what is in the second bowl. Another little boy raises his hand and says "It's apples"

She then asks them to try what is in the third bowl. No one raises their hand so she gives them a hint and says "It's something that your mommy calls your daddy when he gets home from work" (trying to get them to say honey)

A little girl starts yelling "eew...spit it out...spit it out...it's asshole"
How lovely and how doomed this connection of everyone with lungs.

Juliana Spahr
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