Jokes

Off-topic discussions about anything you please!

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Postby TontoBronto » Thu May 07, 2009 5:24 am

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

" So, what's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

" And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today
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Postby TontoBronto » Tue May 19, 2009 5:29 am

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
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Postby TontoBronto » Mon Jun 01, 2009 5:52 am

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is

Blue Cross
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Postby TontoBronto » Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:27 am

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again... Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd... When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
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Postby TontoBronto » Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:28 am

A little girl's Father's Day prayer:
Image

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,

Amen."
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Postby Russell » Fri Jun 12, 2009 4:47 pm

Tonto Yoder wrote:A little girl's Father's Day prayer:
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

:lol:
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Postby gala002 » Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:07 pm

It's one of the best I've ever read :P :P :P
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Postby TontoBronto » Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:08 am

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they came across a sign:

Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world. I am entering!
said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, Well, how did you do?

First Place!, said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: Contest for the
strongest man in the world.

I'm entering, says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, How did you make out?

First Place , answers Superman. Did you ever doubt?

They continue walking when they see another sign: Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

What happened? they asked.

Who the hell is Dick Cheney*? asked Pinocchio.
_______________________________________



*joke changed to protect the name of Nancy Pelosi
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Postby TontoBronto » Thu Jun 25, 2009 6:11 am

Arlene, the joking shyster wrote:Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby TontoBronto » Fri Jul 10, 2009 4:15 am

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.
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Postby ScottG » Fri Jul 10, 2009 4:25 pm

Good stuff Bruce. I hadn't read this thread in a long time.
"Indifferent, but distanced perfectly
Projected endlessly, it’s so FUCKING beautiful!!!"
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Postby TontoBronto » Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:48 am

ScottG wrote:Good stuff Bruce.

Thank you. I'll be here all weekend . Try the salad bar.
___________________________________
Fresh from her shower, Mimi stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, Mimi fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years", the husband replies.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


Without missing a beat he says, Well,,,,,,,Just look at what it did for your ass..........
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Postby TontoBronto » Wed Jul 29, 2009 4:58 am

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
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Postby TontoBronto » Fri Aug 14, 2009 5:05 am

Difference in how a man/ woman sees poetry:

Daeterna:
Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,and when I spend, won't be annoyed.
One who'll pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me a queen, a man who loves to cook and clean. Pray this man will love no other, and relish visits with my mother.


Turk:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who
owns a bar at a fish camp and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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Postby Ian » Fri Aug 14, 2009 6:23 am

A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Is that as painful as tennis elbow?"
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