Jokes

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Postby Arlene » Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:04 am

Ian wrote:It probably doesn't mean much to anyone here but Tim... but here goes.


Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.

You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the United Fan....... Twice.

I enjoyed that. BTW-- I've actually heard a variation of that joke told by a Yankee fan that subsituted a Red Sox fan for the Manchester United fan.
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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Postby Turk » Tue Jan 30, 2007 5:59 pm

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said, "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No, so she kissed him and walked on.
The third woman said, "Have you ever been screwed?"
The fellow said, "No."
She said, "Well, you will be when the tide comes in."
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Postby Turk » Sat Feb 03, 2007 12:43 pm

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
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Postby Turk » Tue Mar 13, 2007 12:06 pm

Bob works hard at the office and spends two nights each week
bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a
waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress
from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine,
honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table-dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She's screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time."
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Postby Ian » Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:50 pm

Hahaha! That's great Turk.


Did ya hear about the guy who goes to see his doctor.

"Hey Doc? Since I returned from holiday I keep having this crazy recurrent dream where members from a brass band take over my house and sit around combing their hair and generally preening themselves, whilst discussing the meaning of life."

The doctor frowns and consults his little red medical dictionary.

He then closes it, with a half smile and says....


"I think I know your trouble"......




"You're suffering from deep, vain trombonists"


:lol:
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Turk » Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:58 pm

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love a drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee, that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it!'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? LOVE drugs! You don't mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
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Postby Ian » Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:28 am

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon, before sliding into bed, the wife whispers to the husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."
The husband, being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.
My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
Finally, my third husband was a philatelist and all he wanted to do was........
......*Sighs*, Oh, I do I miss him!"

8)
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Postby Turk » Thu Jul 26, 2007 9:26 am

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady sitting by herself.

MAN: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
LADY: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
MAN: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
LADY: "No, they spread ."
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Postby Turk » Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:17 pm

George Bush's approval rating walks into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you because you're under twenty-one."
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Postby Turk » Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:23 pm

A father and his 8 year old daughter were driving down the road.

The car in front was driven by a married couple who were arguing...
The woman all of a sudden reached over and cuts off her husband's penis.
She throws it out the window where it lands on the dad's windshield of the car behind them.

The father quickly turns on the windshield wipers to flick it off...

His daughter asks, "Dad what was that"?

The dad says, "Uh...it was a bug"

"A bug?" she exclaims....

"Did you see the dick on that thing?"
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Postby Ian » Wed Sep 26, 2007 6:30 am

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me"

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today;
I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow
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Postby Turk » Mon Dec 10, 2007 1:06 am

Those are great, Ian!
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Postby Ian » Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:17 am

An Irish Ghost Story


Murphy, a Univeristy College Dublin student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing Murphy sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that bloody eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby TontoBronto » Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:03 am

Years ago, Donald Rumsfield came into Dubya's office and informed him that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed that day in Iraq.
Dubya seemed consternated and, after several minutes, asked "Don, just how many IS a brazillion?"
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Postby Ian » Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:41 am

Tonto Yoder wrote:"Don, just how many IS a brazillion?"


:lol:
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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