Jokes

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Postby beensaved » Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:46 pm

Being a Chicago Bears fan with a hatred of the Green Bay Packers, these are the ones that has me laughing lately. I'm sure it has (or can be) applied to any football rivalry...

Q: What the difference between a female Packer fan and a bullhead?

A: One has rocks in its head, whiskers, and smells bad. The other is a kind of fish.


Did you hear that the Green Bay Public Library burned down? Both books got burned and one wasn't even colored in yet.
“I love cats, I just can’t seem to finish one by myself”
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Postby Ian » Thu Feb 07, 2008 6:59 am

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I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Ian » Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:20 am

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.
Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Ticket, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. However, they noticed that the Scots had not purchased any tickets at all this time.
So, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the one adjacent.
One of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.....
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby TontoBronto » Sat Feb 16, 2008 6:31 am

A funny true story:
Tallulah Bankhead starred in Alfred Hitchcock's "Lifeboat". During filming, the actors had to climb a ladder to get into the actual boat each day.
Tallulah was always anxious to be first in line and she never wore panties as she made the slow climb into the boat.
As word circulated across the set, more and more people assembled at the bottom of the ladder each day, making for quite a crowd.

Eventually, someone went to Alfred Hitchcock and complained about Bankhead's exhibitionism.
Hitchcock said, "I'm the director, I'm not involved in such matters."
The person responded, "Well, who WOULD I complain to??"

Hitchcock: "Hairdressing?? Makeup??"
:lol: :lol:

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Postby joanna » Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:49 pm

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year -old continue, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'

The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
"The face of a child says it all. Especially the mouth part of the face." Jack Handey
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Postby Ian » Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:42 pm

Mr Cohen dies ...

His wife puts an obituary in the local newspaper and to save money she simply wrote .... 'Cohen's dead'

On receiving Mr's Cohen's letter, someone from the newspaper phones her up and tells her that for the same price she can have 5 words.

Next day in the paper, the obituary reads

' Cohen's dead, Volvo for sale '
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Ian » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:55 pm

....... an update on Cinderella



Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.






Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:





'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'I bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Ian » Wed Jun 25, 2008 2:26 pm

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, English woman's poodle.


The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat ?'


The woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,


'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'


The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.


Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'


She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'


This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.


The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!!! And put this American in his place!!!'


An English gentleman sitting nearby lowered his newspaper and said...


'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing...


You hold the fork in the wrong hand.


You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.


And now, sir,


you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'
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Postby Turk » Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:57 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!
:lol:
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Postby Arlene » Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:41 pm

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied... "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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Postby Turk » Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:19 pm

An old cowboy sat down at the coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

The young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Hell, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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Postby Ian » Sun Mar 01, 2009 5:09 pm

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited
one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a 'tragedy''.
' No,' said Brown, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained the Prime Minister 'That's what we would call
a great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said: 'If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Brown was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy.
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon Brown, 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either.'
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Postby joanna » Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:58 am

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Postby TontoBronto » Wed Apr 29, 2009 5:39 pm

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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Postby Ian » Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:25 pm

Tonto Yoder wrote:Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
#


TONTO!!!

That joke is as old as ..... ermmmmm ..... you and me :cry:
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