Jokes

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Postby Ian » Mon Aug 17, 2009 12:59 pm

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.


The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, 'What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

She said, 'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...' He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that just by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo!
With only one eye and one ear, how dya expect him to wear glasses!'
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Postby Ian » Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:02 pm

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.



The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.



The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.



A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.



The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”
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Postby Turk » Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:12 pm

Good one, Ian. LMAO!
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Postby TontoBronto » Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:30 am

You get the point of this Gaviscon ad, but the word choice might have been a little better??

<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://w6.photobucket.com/pbwidget.swf?pbwurl=http://w6.photobucket.com/albums/y247/TontoYoder/9283398e.pbw" height="360" width="480">
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Postby Ian » Fri Sep 11, 2009 3:01 pm

I tried a new dish at my local Indian restaurant last night, the waiter said it's called the 'Tarka Masala'.
It's similair to a Tikka Masala but it's a little 'otter.
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Postby TontoBronto » Mon Sep 14, 2009 5:42 am

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
Image
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
Image"The first symbol is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
ImageYou can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to domesticate animals."
ImageThe next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Image
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
ImageThe last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
Image
"Idiots...
Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"
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Postby Rob » Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:06 am

LOL... I've heard that joke but never seen it drawn.
You can't really dust for vomit.

-- Nigel Tufnel
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Postby TontoBronto » Sat Sep 26, 2009 6:15 am

A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $20,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."


The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!
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Postby Arlene » Wed Oct 07, 2009 10:13 am

This is a joke that was told by Emmylou Harris at around 9:15 Sunday morning to about 200 hearty fans who had gotten up early to see and hear her sound check in Golden Gate Park for her performance nine hours later that closed the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival:

So a man mentions to a friend that he's on his way to Souix St. Marie. The friend responds: "Souix St. Marie? The only things they have there are whores and hockey players!" The man then says: "My WIFE is in Souix St. Marie!" The friend then asks, "What position does she play?"

While waiting for a sound tech to adjust something, she also went with: "So a man locks his dog and his wife in his car trunk. When he comes back an hour later, who do you think was happier to see him?"

(At one point, when standing next to Buddy Miller, she says to him: "It's FUCKING freezing out here!" She then realized how close she was standing to the mic and said to us all with a huge grin while leaning in to the mic: "Oh SHIT. You didn't hear that, did you?")
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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Postby TontoBronto » Wed Oct 07, 2009 1:19 pm

Arlene wrote:So a man mentions to a friend that he's on his way to Souix St. Marie. The friend responds: "Souix St. Marie? The only things they have there are whores and hockey players!" The man then says: "My WIFE is in Souix St. Marie!" The friend then asks, "What position does she play?"
On behalf on the people of Sault Ste. Marie, I fart in Emmylou's general direction.
Image
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Postby Arlene » Wed Oct 07, 2009 1:48 pm

Tonto Yoder wrote:
Arlene wrote:So a man mentions to a friend that he's on his way to Souix St. Marie. The friend responds: "Souix St. Marie? The only things they have there are whores and hockey players!" The man then says: "My WIFE is in Souix St. Marie!" The friend then asks, "What position does she play?"
On behalf on the people of Sault Ste. Marie, I fart in Emmylou's general direction.
Image

Just to clarify, I'm sure Emmylou would NEVER insult the good people of Sault Ste. Marie in Northern Michigan. As for the "good" people of Soiux St. Marie in Ontario, Canada.... :)
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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Postby Ian » Thu Dec 03, 2009 7:20 am

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall and were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady waddled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady squeezed between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father smiled and said quietly to his son..."Quickly son, go and fetch your mother, she needs to try this."
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Postby TontoBronto » Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:49 am

Ian wrote:An Amish boy and his father were in a mall and were amazed by almost everything they saw......
You makin' fun o' the Amish. you SOB? :wink:
**********************************************

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: six, one to change the light bulb and
5 to brag about how they can do it better.
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Postby TontoBronto » Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:18 am

Three contractors were touring the White House. One was from New York, one from Missouri, and one from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When each replied that he was a contractor, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. You guys want to give me your bids?"

The Florida contractor did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900—that's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Missouri contractor said, "I can do this job for $700—that's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the New York contractor said, without batting an eye, "$2,700."

The guard, shocked by the price, said, "How did you come up with that figure?"

"Easy," said the New Yorker. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."
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Postby Arlene » Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:41 am

Tonto Yoder wrote:Three contractors were touring the White House. One was from New York, one from Missouri, and one from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When each replied that he was a contractor, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. You guys want to give me your bids?"

The Florida contractor did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900—that's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Missouri contractor said, "I can do this job for $700—that's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the New York contractor said, without batting an eye, "$2,700."

The guard, shocked by the price, said, "How did you come up with that figure?"

"Easy," said the New Yorker. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

You left out the fact that Dick Cheney had previously hired Halliburton/KBR for the job on a no-bid contract for $5400 but the work was so shoddy, it now has to be redone.
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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