Jokes

Off-topic discussions about anything you please!

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Postby Ian » Tue Jan 05, 2010 7:01 am

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.


After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"



The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."



The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"



To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."



The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.



A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"



The priest replied, "Yes, that is very much a part of our faith."



The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"



The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."



The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.



Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Ian
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Postby Ian » Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:37 pm

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians, everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and if the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong, Politicians are the easiest to operate on.'
'There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine
and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole ...

... and they are both interchangeable'
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Postby Arlene » Thu Apr 01, 2010 1:51 pm

"You've got to sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt. You've got to dance like no one is watching. It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work."
~Susannah Clark

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels." ~Molly Ivins

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
~Tallulah Bankhead

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Postby Ian » Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:19 pm

Man goes to the doctors with a hearing problem.

The doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms ?"

"Yeah" said the man,

"Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!"
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Postby Our Kid » Fri Apr 16, 2010 6:33 pm

How do you confuse a Manchester United fan?

GIVE THEM A MAP OF MANCHESTER!
"You could write a song about some kind of emotional problem you are having, but it would not be a good song, in my eyes, until it went through a period of sensitivity to a moment of clarity. Without that moment of clarity to contribute to the song, it's just complaining."

-Joni Mitchell-
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Postby Ian » Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:00 pm

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Staffordshire. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Staffordshire.
We settle small disagreements, like this, with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take on the old man, so agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toe-cap work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nahh, It's ok I give up. You can have the bloody duck'


*English to USA translation service available if required :wink:
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Postby Rob » Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:15 am

A policeman is walking down the street and sees an African American man beating up a little old Jewish man.

He runs over yelling, "break it up, break it up," asking what happened.

The AA guy says to the cop, "This guy called me a black bastard."

The cop looks at the little old Jewish man in astonishment and asks if that's true.

The little old Jewish man says, "No, no... I vass valking down the street, this man comes up and esks me vhere's the Riviera Hotel. I said yer' a block past it."
You can't really dust for vomit.

-- Nigel Tufnel
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