Jokes

Off-topic discussions about anything you please!

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Postby Ian » Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:12 am

Turk wrote:Here's one:
This husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.....


That sounds like a good joke in the making, I wonder where I've heard that before hehe!





Anyway, whilst in Wales last week I spotted a guy bent over a sheep in a field as I walked past.

I yelled to him...

"Hey! are you shearing?"



He hollered back....

"No mate, get your own bloody sheep!!!"
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Turk » Wed Nov 01, 2006 1:18 pm

A woman in her sixties was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram. The doctor said I'm healthy and that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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Postby Ian » Thu Nov 02, 2006 1:17 pm

Time to try out an Irish joke on my Sherman friends


Paddy was walking through the streets of Belfast when he discovers a small suspicious package at his feet.
Carefully unwrapping the outer layer, he found a sandwich with two red wires protruding from it.

Shaking with fear, he calls the police on his cell phone and asks for the bomb disposal unit.

"Paddy, Paddy, try and keep calm....", said the officer "...... can you tell me something? .... is it tickin'?"

The line goes silent for a few seconds before Paddy comes back and says......






"No.... I tink it's beef"


:lol:
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Postby Ian » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:33 am

Q. What goes clippety clop.... clippety clop... clippety clop........ BANG!





A. An Amish drive-by killing
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Postby TontoBronto » Sat Nov 04, 2006 6:01 am

Ian wrote:An Amish drive-by killing

Thou shouldst expect retribution from my British brethren.

If a large paper sack is burning on thy doorstep soon, stomp out the fire forcefully. Image Image
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Postby Ian » Sat Nov 04, 2006 6:55 pm

Bruce..... :lol:
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Postby Ian » Sat Nov 04, 2006 6:59 pm

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your f***ing webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No,"

*Pause for effect*

So the duck says, "Good! ........ Got any grapes?"
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Postby Turk » Sun Nov 05, 2006 12:38 am

So why DID the chicken cross the road?

So he could kick this kid's ass:



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Postby joanna » Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:22 am

Q: What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?







A: NACHO CHEESE!
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Postby Ian » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:31 pm

Q...... What's orange and sounds like a parrot?



A...... A carrot


:wink:
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Postby Turk » Sun Dec 03, 2006 1:48 pm

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
He spoke to his toes.

"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know,
you are 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the
park in summer every Sunday afternoon.
The times we waltzed on the dance floor?
Happy Birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees?
You know you're 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we
marched in the parade?
Oh the hurdles we've jumped together.
Happy Birthday knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie, you little bugger.
If you were alive today, you'd be 92."
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Postby Ian » Sun Dec 03, 2006 4:00 pm

It was doing the rounds in the office a long time ago and I'd almost forgotten about it until it popped up on YouTube.

C'mon, we all hate that paperclip don't we?


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Postby joanna » Sun Dec 03, 2006 11:50 pm

A businessman leaves work after a long day at the office, and suddenly remembers it's his daughter's sixth birthday, and he hasn't gotten her a present. He hurries into the nearest toy store and tells the clerk that he needs to buy a Barbie for his daughter. The clerk says, "Which one? We have Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Gymnast Barbie for $19.95, Princess Barbie for $19.95 or Divorced Barbie for $375.00. The man says, "why is Divorced Barbie $375 and all the others are $19.95?" The clerk says, well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's cat..........
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Postby Ian » Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:45 am

It probably doesn't mean much to anyone here but Tim... but here goes.


Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.

You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the United Fan....... Twice.
I still don't blame you for leaving baby... it's cold living with goats
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Postby Turk » Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:20 am

Joe was fixing a door at home. He found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Sally to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Sally waited for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
She saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf. When Carl was finished, Sally asked, "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver, and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Sally exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Joe had sent her to buy. And Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room, Carl yelled,
"Sally, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Sally replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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